Keto Guido

So by this time in 2018 we've all heard of the new diet trend...the Keto Diet.  If you've lived under a rock, the keto diet is basically a low carb high fat diet. You are retraining your body to burn FAT as fuel instead of carbs. The results are crazy that people are getting (that sounded a bit like a sales pitch?). 

I was so turned off to it because it seemed gimmicky. All these people losing all this weight and I think there's got to be a catch, people are going to gain it back, there's going to be some adverse health effects, something. Just something.
Also, there is SO. MUCH. INFORMATION. about the Keto diet!! INFORMATION OVERLOAD! I didn't even know where to start, and at first I didn't know the logistics behind it and so I tried going into it blindly just eating cheese and bacon for a couple days...I failed quickly, haha.

Then someone put it simply to me, the way I explained it above, and it just clicked! It made sense and I started following this Instagram account who's whole focus is Keto Made Simple. Because it can get so damn complicated!! I needed simple!

BOOM

5 weeks later I've been doing a completely keto diet and am down about 10 pounds. I am so excited. I sometimes get discouraged because I see these before and after photos and yeah it took these people months for their results, but I'm seeing them instantly and so I get impatient and want it to happen faster. But it's always exciting when I get on the scale on Saturday morning and see if I'm down any, and keeps me motivated. 

There's this documentary I watched a few weeks before starting Keto called "The Magic Pill".  It followed these people who have chronic conditions, and even followed a couple of people with autism, all of who were on expensive medications, and still struggling with their conditions.  The film makers filmed these people doing this way of eating for a few weeks and showed the difference it made in managing these conditions.  Now, I am skeptical of just about everything in my life...I'm thinking, this is just for good tv, they are exaggerating it, blah blah. Then they showed this girl with autism and the difference in her behavior and her personality were mind blowing. MIND BLOWING. She clearly still had a disability, but she was not as wild and so easily upset...which is a HUGE deal with autism. It was incredible, and obviously hit home to me because of Arianna.  I've had Arianna try a few different 'keto' foods I've prepped when she's been over and she loves them. I really think over time this could be a way of eating for her and could help her tremendously! Now if we could only get Cooper to eat Keto, hahahahahaha that'll never happen. Chicken nuggets, grilled cheese, cereal, watermelon and apples for life, right? I can hope.

Any way, I'm just stoked with this, I'm impatient, but I do have to trust the process. I am so excited to see where I am 5 months from now, and a year from now.  I gained an embarrassing amount of weight when I was pregnant with Cooper and struggled to lose any of it after I had him. So to actually see, feel, and notice a difference after a month, I know this is something I can do.

People ask me a lot, "Do you think you'll do it forever?"
Probably not.  But will I always be carb conscious? YES.
The average person eats carbs in the HUNDREDS per day! HUNDREDS!!! Now that I am limiting my carbs to 20 per day, I get sick just thinking of how casually I consumed carbs....
I got an iced venti non-fat 7 pump chai from starbucks, every single day. This is just a beverage I'm talking about...
65 carbs. 61 sugars.
LIKE WHAT?!?!?!? I dont even hit 65 carbs by Wednesday! HAHA!
So it's just put a lot of things in perspective for me.  I have known how to maintain weight, maintaining is not my issue. It's losing I struggle with. I know how to moderate my diet, and do portion control so once I get to my goal weight I probably will lax a whole ton. 

But for now...KETO ON!!!

Also, be careful drinking vodka on the keto diet. You will get messed up. IN a hurry.  Just ask my friend Vinny LOLOLOLOLOL........

My Car Crash

"I survived because the fire inside of me burned brighter than the fire that burned around me."

I found this quote 365 days ago today.  I was looking at quotes about resilience and stumbled across this one.  I wanted it to resonate true with me and be real. I wanted to feel THIS right now. I read it and thought..."I'll never survive this. I'll never get through this fire.."

I want to write about my car crash.  And before you think it was an actual car accident, just know that when I speak of my car crash, its metaphorical. I won't say exactly what the metaphor is, but no it wasn't an actual car crash. It's how I describe this situation, a trauma if you will, that had been coming at me head on for a long time, and finally made impact on me. Emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually.

I won't always post such deep or bummer type things on this blog, because I want it to be a record of happy and fun or thoughtful memories.  But to me, this was a car accident that has shaped me and forced me to grow as a person. It will help me remember just what I recovered from and how far I've come. And I never want to forget that.

Let me explain.

One year ago today I was in my car crash. I wasn't driving, someone else was. It was me in the passenger seat, hopeful that the driver would get us to our destination. That person was driving under the influence of a very heavy and destructive substance. Deep down, I knew they were using this substance. I didn't want to believe it, and denied it for over a year even though my gut and intuition told me this person was 'impaired' the entire time. I sat in the passenger seat while this person drove impaired for over a year, praying they would come down from the high before something terrible happened.

Then on 5.21.17, we crashed.

The driver got out of the car, walked around and examined the damage. The car was totaled. The driver was bumped and bruised, but nothing life threatening. They got out lucky.
Then there I was.
Every bone in my body was broken.
My brain damaged, and not able to process what was happening.
My lungs were collapsing, I couldn't breathe.
My heart, broken into a million pieces. I was dying.
I thought on that day that I surely wouldn't survive and was about to take my final breath.

At first they acted as though they didn't notice or care that I was hanging on for dear life, only worried about themselves...and told me this was the choice they made and it was just unfortunate that I had gotten into the car with them.
Maybe I should have made better choices.

The the shock wore off the driver quickly, and they came down from this thing that had been impairing them for over a year.  They had stepped out of the fog in almost an instant.  They realized what they had done. What they'd been doing. How injured I was, and how the car (our life) was completely totaled. They called 911. We needed help.

We immediately got help. The driver stood at the doors to where I was taken, with a broken soul and overwhelmed with guilt for what their impaired driving had done to me. To us, and to our life.

The driver was told it could take months, even years for me to recover.  But even still at that time, I wasn't so sure I was going to make it. Every breath felt like it was the last, and so many times I would wake up and cry just because I was in so much pain that I just wanted to feel peace and not be suffering anymore. It was too much and I didn't feel there was ever going to be a way for me to recover and be the same person I used to be. Permanently damaged in a way that made me think I would never have a good quality of life. I wanted to die. I wanted to die every waking moment of every day just to feel the relief of this pain.

Months went by. I was healing, but it was slow. There were times the driver pounded on my recovery room doors begging me to please get up and walk, even though both my legs were broken. Begging me to please get back in the car with them. Promising they were no longer under the influence, and would never crash with me in the car again.

How could I be so sure? Why would I EVER trust this person just when I'm starting to get better? The one who drove us head on into oncoming traffic with their foot firmly on the gas, wants me to get back into the car with them? No fucking way.

It seemed like one injury would heal, and another would come up. And it felt this way for months, and even still at times. I've always believed people who suffer any kind of TBI (traumatic brain injury) are never really the same when they recover.  The brain is a finicky thing, and not one to be messed with.  And of all the injuries I had gotten, the brain was the one that I knew wasn't going to ever be the same if we got through it.

The aftermath of the car crash was devastating. It still is. I didn't just wake up one day and decide I could be happy and trust again. It's been a long road, and will continue to be a long road. But I can say, with all the confidence and security in the world, that I believe the worst is over. Healing comes in time, in phases, and in pieces. It doesn't  come all at once. Certain parts of the body can take longer to heal than others, and with different treatments, too.
And YES, I AM a different person. I'm a stronger person. I'm a truer person. I'm learning to love myself.  And if this has given me anything it's a strengthened connection with God. Because when I thought I was all alone, even the months leading up to the crash, HE was always there.

I eventually got back in the car with the driver. And so far, the ride has been smooth. I have my trigger moments where I freak out remembering certain things from the car crash, but the driver always assures me everything is okay, and holds my hand until I get through what I need to get through.  I no longer feel that excruciating pain associated with the injuries, but the aches and pains pop up every now and then. But I'll take that any day because now I know I can survive, I can persist, I AM resilient, and I didn't die.  I made it.


Who knows where the drive will take us this time. But I can only hope its to sunnier places.

And The Blog Goes On

I said on my last blog I'd be blogging about what Alex so thoughtfully did for me for Mother's Day this year.

No shade - this has been the best Mother's Day that he has given me. For it not even being Mother's Day yet...that's something, right?

I've been feeling stuck lately. It's almost felt like an identity crisis. When I typed that I capitalized the I in identity...that's how relevant it feels..el oh el.

Granted I have been on maternity leave with TWO kids. So my whole life for the last seven weeks has been nothing but

MOMMY MOMMY
CRY CRY
HIT
SOB
TANTRUM
PISSED
BLOWOUTS
DIAPERS
BOTTLES
FUSSINESS
SNACKS
NAPS (perk)
MOMMY MOMMY

There's been a LOT of happy moments, a ton of mom wins, don't get me wrong. The good days always out weigh the bad, but it doesn't mean I don't constantly feel like, "man, what am I but a snack grabber and butt changer?"

Any way, in the midst of my identity crisis I had a break down to Alex about how I wish I had something for myself, and how I loved writing and how much I miss blogging and writing...

The next day I text Alex from bed as he was getting ready and said, "Plz don't leave me with the kids..."

He felt terrible that he had to go to work.  I know that if he could, he always would 10/10 times work from home if he could.

Anyway he obviously had to go to work, but he text me later and said he got me a surprise. 

On his way home (which is a 35-40min drive) he asked if I'd gotten my surprise from earlier in the day yet.  I hadn't, so I thought he was playing with me in that he wanted me to expect something delivered when he really had something he was going to give me when he got home.  Our call got cut short for some reason, and while it did there was knock at our door. 
                 It was a flower delivery!! I was so shocked and surprised. I instantly welled up with tears. Knowing how hard of a week I had, and knowing that I conveyed that hard week to Alex and he felt so bad that he wanted to do something sweet for me...just made me so emotional.  It still does and I'm writing this blog almost two weeks later!

The note attached to the flowers was perfect, and  I have it sitting by my work computer...it said "just so you know you're the best wife and mom in the whole world, love alex"
*queue tears*

When he got home I immediately greeted him with a kiss and hug saying how much I loved the flowers.  He then said that he had gotten my Mother's Day present, and asked me if I wanted it now or on Mothers Day.  At this point it was over a week to Mother's Day, but we both knew we'd be out of town on the actual day and not be able to celebrate in the way we probably would have had we not been out of town.  I said duh, I want my present now!

He said, "Well I have part of it.  The other part won't be in stock til next week." He then gave me a laptop case.  He has known that I have been wanting to write, blog, and just be weird on the internet like normal people for some time, but recently I have talked about wanting to blog and how a laptop would help me be able to do that.  Writing has always been so therapeutic for me, and heaven knows I've needed lots of therapy lately!

I was SO SURPRISED!! He knew I would never go out and get a laptop on my own.  He knew no matter now much I talked about wanting a laptop so I could blog and write that I would never spend that kind of money on myself to do it.  So when he pulled out the laptop case and said he had gotten me a laptop I was ecstatic. He said he had left the reciept in the car and wanted to go grab it to show me the kind of laptop he got me. He went outside to the car, and came back in and said, "Ah I can't find the receipt, but it's okay I'll just give you your present now." And he gave me a brand new Chromebook laptop!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 I just couldn't believe it.  I haven't had a laptop since my Macbook that was from 2010.  To me that thing is still brand new, haha! But I don't use it at all except for storing and finding old photos from 2010-2012.

So here I am blogging this blog at 1am on a work night - yikes....but I love it. I love writing. The accomplishment and satisfaction that comes from writing a piece is always so gratifying.  It fulfills me.

I love my gift. I love that Alex knows me so well that this is something I would love.

Blog on...

Weekend Vibes

Ahhh Sunday night.  The dreaded countdown to Monday is happening, plans for the week orchestrating, taking deep breaths to prepare for preschool for the week (haha)...

But aren't Sundays the best? They don't ever feel as crazy as Saturday, even though it's still the weekend, right? I'd be lying if I said nine times out of 10 we are in jammies all day long, have no routine, have way too much screen time & junk food, and maybe if we are feelin' froggy after, of course, a Sunday nap we might go to the park or play outside.
I'm not much for football but I happen to love Sundays in particular during football season because Alex almost always smokes something delicious and there's yummy beers and snacks involved with Sunday night football....
My sister Legena came over Friday night to hang out for a bit. Cooper just absolutely loves his "geegee" so when she comes over it's always always the best. It's been so wonderful having her live so close by the last year or so. She really is my best friend.

Alex made winnnnngggggssssss *drool*.  I love his wings. I could seriously eat about 20...thousand of them. Oh and Harmon's cheeseballs? Yeah lets just go ahead and hashtag #reasonswhyImfat
Took Legena home, and came back to watch the Jazz lose...#gojazz
Playoffs are intense.

SATURDAYYYY aka Cinco De Mayo
We did much adulting.  Ready for this? We made a giant loop to South Jordan, Sandy, and Murray making...RETURNS on items!!

JC Penny
Target
Buy Buy Baby
DXL

This is what adulthood is like. You have returns. From multiple stores. You'll stockpile them and memorize return policies. And you actually return the items because, that's money!! I never thought I'd see the day. This is horrifying.

Came home, napped (obvi) and then we did what any culture appreciating American did and drank Mexican beer and had Mexican food.  But now that I think about it, we had Navajo tacos...Indian tacos? Indian Mexican? Okay apparently we didn't celebrate.
But James & Shantelle and the boys came over for tacos, and for haircuts and to color their hair.
Those boys are hilarious.
Kam & Josh finally let me give them a gentlemen's haircut and it looked amazing on them.  Josh had me bleach just the top of his hair...which apparently is 'in', and subsequently made him look like a YouTuber I've never heard of so the other boys and Alex called him "Josh Paul" the rest of the night.
#iDontgetit

Kam had me color his top part aqua. Which again, apparently made him look like a YouTuber I'd never heard of...

Anyway, I didn't get a picture of Nicks hair because honestly it turned out awful because he just wanted me to streak it blue and it just didn't look right. This morning we ended up painting the whole top of his hair blue. These boys crack me up.
They stayed the night, and had me watch some YouTube videos of some people they follow.  The only thing I kept thinking when watching these YouTubers that are appealing to such a young demographic (my nephews are 9, 11, and 13) is that my friends and I did videos or "vlog" type videos on our digital cameras all the time when we were teenagers/early adults. WHY DIDN'T WE CASH IN ON YOUTUBE FAME?!?!?!? Seriously! Talk about being five years too early for a trend. UGH!
It just wasn't a thing back then. People used YouTube to watch music videos or movie/tv clips and stuff.  I get a little salty about it because, not to brag, but with my immature early adulthood charm I would've been a YouTube sensation...probably because I was so ridiculous and pretentious. Facepalm. Maybe it's good I never had the opportunity. I would hate to have my stupidity documented in the interwebs. I'll stick to shaking my head when my Facebook "on this day" memories pop up and relive my shitty moments in private.

After they made me watch shitty youtube videos, I made them watch The Greatest Showman.  I can't even express how much I love this movie. Cooper even loves it. He asks for 'the circus movie' every day, and wants to listen to the soundtrack any chance he gets. We are two peas in a pod. I'm so happy he shares the same love for it as I do. Theater was something I always loved in Jr High and High School, but sort of fell away from once I started gaining a little more 'freedom' from my home life and could go out and mess around with friends. So watching this film reminds me of those days when I had parts in the school plays, and took theater in school as often as I could.

SUNDAY!!

I got to sleep in this morning.. SCORE! Frankie is a good little sleeper. She will wake up once a night usually and then go back to sleep til about 9-10am. She's incredible! The boys stayed the night so Alex got up with Cooper and made the boys waffles...when I woke up at 9:30 he said he made waffles and I was like YOU DID?!! Never even knew haha. It was so nice sleeping in. SO SO NICE.

Got up, Starbucks, did Nicks hair again, boys went home, Alex went to get a tattoo. Coop & Frankie and I hung out did lunch, naps, cleaned, and then when Alex came home he brought Legena and Arianna. I did Legena's hair and it turned out gorgeous! Alex made burgers for us, Cooper and Arianna played, and it just overall was a chill and relaxing day.

Nothing hip hop happnin about the weekend, but ya know what? It was amazing. I love simple. I love low key. I love no stress. I love when things just flow, and that's just what it did this weekend.  It flowed.

We are going to Grand Junction to Vanessa's graduation next weekend, and then I go back to work on the 15th. I'm excited to get back to work just to have a sense of alternate purpose than from being a mom! haha. Its been a glorious eight weeks with my kiddos, but I'm excited to get back to the grind.

Anywho, not much for a blog. Pretty non eventful, but going back and reading this in a few years I'll be glad I wrote about it and I know it will bring a smile to my face. Which is why I blog. It makes me smile.

Speaking of blogging making me smile...
My next post will be about what Alex did for me for an early Mother's Day, and how thoughtful it was.

BYE!

These are the days

I haven’t blogged in almost two years. So much has changed so much has stayed the same. I won’t try and cram it all into this latest blog post, but just for my own personal desires I want to start being more consistent with it. I went back and read some of my posts from 2011-2012 and felt so happy that I documented so much.  So I need to make time and make it a priority because honestly I have so much more to document now days with a 3yo, and a soon to be new baby girl!!

Today was such a beautiful day. Weather wise and family wise. I’ve missed taking Cooper outside to play in the front yard, waking to the park, going to daybreak, all that. I never considered myself to have seasonal depression but I definitely get cabin fever and start feeling anxious that I hate the routine in winter because it feels like we just sit and wait for the days to pass instead of making the most of them.

Cooper went to preschool this morning. He has been going for a couple months now and I’ll tell ya, drop off has been a struggle. He cries, gets anxious before we even go inside, starts asking to go home before he even gets out of the car, won’t eat breakfast, you name it. It’s just so hard. But once I leave he’s good after about 5 minutes and forgets all about me til I pick him up.
Today Alex took him, and surprisingly enough when he saw his teacher at the entrance of the school he grabbed her hand and willingly went to class. WHAT?! Who are you and what did you do with my child?! Teacher was even so impressed. So we will see if he does the same this Wednesday when I take him. Fingers crossed!!

After we picked him up he came home and napped since daylight savings spring forward has kind of messed up his schedule, haha. And when he woke up we played outside in the yard with puzzles, chalk, and cars. It was so nice to just sit and relax with him.
Then I figured hey it’s nice enough, and I could use some waking to help induce labor (haha) let’s go to daybreak!! So I asked coop if he wanted to go feed the ducks and he said “yes! Let’s go!” So we loaded up his bike, dad grabbed some old tortillas to feed em, and we spent about an hour playing with the ducks and waking around the lake. It was so fun. It is amazing what a difference a year or a season or two can make for a kid. We were at daybreak almost every day last spring and summer and cooper always loved it and was so good but this time was a whole new adventure. It was the first time we’ve gone “this year” and he was just so into it. Talking to the ducks, loved feeding them, loved riding his bike, listened and didn’t run off, just amazing. I am so dang proud of the progress he’s made.

After that I was still wanting to walk...so we went to Ikea to get some stuff for Frankie’s room. Coop got his ice cream cone and Swedish fish he loves so much, and we did a lap around the store and went home.

The boys played legos (as they do all the time!) while I worked, and it was just wonderful to listen to them hang out and talk downstairs while I hammered out my stuff upstairs.

I just love days like today. Everything was so perfect from start to finish. Nothing but smiles and laughter. It’s not like this every day, but pretty dang close.

Feeling so blessed. I get sad and a little scared thinking our days as a family of three are numbered. It’s been us for just so long. A lifetime it feels. But I know once Frankie gets here it’s going to feel like she’s always been a part of it. I can’t wait.

Inconceivable ;)

Cooper got his 15 month shots today :( this was the worst reaction he has ever had to shots. It's 11:44 as I write this and he just went to bed 35 minutes ago. So just let that signify how rough of a night he had. 

He fell asleep in my arms. He's such a busy boy. I rock him to sleep most nights in his room (crib sleeping is a thing now, yay!) but tonight for him to just fall asleep facing forward in my arms.....it was just one of those moments. 

One of those moments you never want to end. 

One of those moments that stay engrained in your mind forever. 

One of those moments you wish you could repeat every night. 

Every moment is that way with my coops. But this moment was just different. Probably because he struggled so much and he rarely struggles to go to sleep. So when he finally did it was one of those moments. 

It also got me thinking about how I was told by my mom that Drs told her I would never be able to have babies. My appendix ruptured when I was eight years old. And when that happens you want to have surgery immediately. 

My mom, being the busy widowed mom she was, I imagine just was thinking I had the flu. It wasn't until a few days of throwing up and being ghost white that we went to the hospital. I remember my mothers friend carrying me into the hospital in both arms because I had no strength to move. 

They did tests and nothing came back that anything was wrong with me. Clearly there was so they did exploratory surgery and found my appendix had burst. 

Having burst, all the toxins and poisons from the rupture potentially affected my reproductive organs, damaging them permanently. 

I never knew about that last bit until I was 18 years old. My mom told me after Alex and I had gotten engaged. 

I was young so I wasn't thinking about babies, but I knew I wanted them. And we had talked about it just a few months prior. I was heart broken. 

I never got checked out but when I was about 22 my gynecologist said if I was regular then that means my stuff is worming fine and not to worry. 

It took six months to conceive coopman. Which I realize is not long, but each month that went by I felt more and more summoned to a life without babies. 

So, I go back to tonight....holding my 'inconceivable' baby(toddler) in my arms. Feeling so blessed. I am the luckiest momma. 

Growth

My time hop app, which is an app that brings up memories you posted on the same day years prior, comes up with some pretty interesting things sometimes. Lately it's the posts from 3-4 years ago that are just mind blowing to me.

I say mind blowing because it's just bizzaro to me what a different person I was back then. 

Part of this blog might be depressing. But I swear it's positive at the end.

Let me start by saying Cooper has changed my life. I know, every parent says that. And if you're not a parent yet, I know you hear it all the time..."kids change you." But let's be honest, if you don't have kids and people say that to you, you nod and as enthusiastically say, "mmmhmmmm oh I bet" when really you have no idea what they mean. I'm not saying you can't grasp the depth of love if you don't have kids. But the change. You don't understand the change it does to you until it happens. 

Before I became a mom my life revolved around very little. I had very low self esteem, but oddly enough I was extremely outgoing. I had this desperate need to be accepted. My self worth was defined by having people like me and I would go to almost any extreme to get people to like me. It was pathetic. 

I think of the people who I wanted acceptance from, but had no problem back biting them if it meant getting acceptance from someone else. I think about those people so much, and feel so much guilt. Hindsight, some of those people weren't the greatest of people to me either, but it it looking back I am ashamed that I ever acted that way.

That disclosed information aside. 
I can't help but think my biggest crime was pretending to be someone I wasn't. 

I wish I could tell those people I'm sorry. Honestly, I'm sure not many of them would care. They are at points in their lives where they are cleaning out the trash. And I hold no hard feelings to them. I admire their self respect to rid themselves of people who weren't genuine with them. Because that was me.

Fast forward now, I am still friends with more people from that time of my life than I am not. It's not like I was a walking shitty person to everyone I knew, but those people who didn't love and accept me right away got the most un-authentic me imaginable. Because I was so scared of not being accepted by them. It was almost like, "Let me be who YOU want me to be so you like me". It's almost heartbreaking as I write it. 

I guess I'm just grateful for growth. I'm grateful for second chances, and the ability to change into a better person. I'll never hate who I was, because "hate" keeps you stuck. I will have compassion and understanding, and make sure I always remember that girl, so I can remind myself of why I don't want to be like that again.

"It's hard to be true to yourself, especially when everyone is watching." One of my favorite quotes ever by Dave Chappelle. I'll spend the rest of my life fighting the battle of being true to myself, but I know it's a battle I'm determined to always win. 

The Fog

Facebooks "on this day" feature has been a fun thing for me to look at daily. I like seeing who I became friends with, what I was doing, who I was talking about, and remembering experiences I had.

There was one posted on this day 2010. It was a lyric (of course). I specifically remember posting it because I had never heard the song before, but it went along perfectly with things that had happened during that very same 24 hour period.
I'll always remember that day so vividly it's almost frightening. Without getting into the dramatic details I can just say that it was the day I realized I was letting someone else live my life for me. I was deliberately allowing myself to be controlled. I was being so naive and living in a total state of denial trying to justify the situation I had put myself in.

A 'come to Jesus', a revelation, a change of heart, an epiphany...there's a million ways to say it. The only way I can explain it is that it was the day the fog lifted. I could see. Devastated by the damage and of what was in front of me to face, but at the same time I felt so much clarity.

"I can't go back to yesterday. I was a different person then." -Alice (Alice in Wonderland).

It is so true. I was different. I had changed. I evolved overnight and somehow gained an enormous amount of strength I never knew I had. It took a lot of swallowing my pride, but I was ready. I was ready to be brand new.

I've made mistakes since then don't get me wrong. No one is perfect. But this is the day, 'On This Day', six years ago that I started to become a true form of myself. I was happy.  And I was ready to let myself be happy. The months leading up to this were the darkest and loneliest days I have ever had. My heart aches for the girl I was before. I had made incredible mistakes and was at the point where I was tricking myself into believing that was where I legitimately wanted to be. I feel so much compassion for that girl, but also a lot of anger. I was a selfish and manipulative know it all. I can admit it. I think what made me realize it all was actually having someone in my life who was just as selfish...just as manipulative... as I was.  I wasn't evil or anything, but I was definitely headed in a direction that would have destroyed my life and the people I love the most. Had it not been for that person unknowingly showing me how I had been treating others by allowing that person to treat me that same way, I probably never would have come up from the fog. I never would have seen what I looked like from the outside. Seen what the people that I loved  had been seeing in me.

The day the fog lifted was the day my life started to come together and it's been together ever since.

Oh I wanna be a billionaire so freakin baaad

So, the powerball lottery is up to 1.3 million dollars. The highest jackpot in history!! Of course utah doesn't allow the lottery so we asked some family who were making the trek to Wyoming if they would get us some numbers. So we played last Saturday night when the jackpot was only (....only) 960 million I think. Obviously, we didnt win. But it's okay! We have our numbers for this Wednesday, and I feel pretty lucky. 

Let me tell you why. 

First of all, the odds of winning the lottery are 1 in 292.2 million. You've heard all your life you have a better chance of getting struck by lightening, right? 

Well let me tell you what else you have a better chance of happening while you're thinking about that. 

The odds of getting Cholangialcarcinoma (cancer in the bile duct) is 1 in 100,000. 

I get that's nothing compared to the lottery stats, but still. 

This next comparison I don't have a statistic for, but I can tell you how many case studies have been done about it. 

Chromosome 8 deletion is rare. So rare there have only been about five case studies done on it historically speaking. FIVE cases. That's not saying that there aren't more cases out there, but that's how rare this genetic disorder is. There aren't enough people that they can do multiple and accurate case studies on it. 

Here's one more. 

One in six million people will be victims of a violent/armed home invasion. 

Check 

Check 

Check

The first one of course isn't me. My dad passed away from this very rare sort of cancer.

The second one. Also not me. It's Arianna. 

The third happened to Alex in our home we lived in back in 2011. 

Okay so, we haven't been "lucky" in my family. But we have been the "rare case" or the "exception" to a few different rarities. 

But the thing that makes me feel the MOST lucky?? Why I feel like it's my lucky week?!

Pulled into Starbucks today at 7:12am. No line. This never happens especially ESPECIALLY on a Monday!!! 

Then as I was making remarkable time on my way to work (again, never happens) I happened to turn the radio on about 1/2 a mile from a very bad accident that had backed up traffic! I was able to take a detour and get to work on time! 

I realize none of this means anything. And my odds are still pretty shitty. BUT OMG how cool if we won?! 

I will post later my "lottery daydream". It's pretty basic. But hey. I gotta post more. 

One year

My little baby is turning into a little boy in just 3 weeks. I cannot believe a year has gone by. I cannot believe I've been so lucky to wake up to his sweet face, and kiss his little face goodnight for almost 365 days. 

His gummy grin is now filled with eight pearly white teeth. 

His thin fluffy hair is now long and thick and lays down instead of fluffing. 

The tiny hand that so delicately grasped my finger the first time I held him is now big enough to grasp toys and cups. 

His little toes I would find myself nibbling on for no reason at all pitter patter around the kitchen in footsteps.

His little daily baby hiccups have been gone for months and instead I get to hear his ever so loud jibberish and playful yells. 

The baby I once was comforted by nursing him to sleep now gets himself to sleep on his own. 

That little bobble head baby who held his head up so early and rolled at 2 months now lifts all his heavier toys up over his head for fun. 

So many things changed and I'm so proud of each and every one of them. I miss having a little baby but I have soaked in every single moment being his mom. There's not a thing I would change and I pray I never forget those little details and moments of this past year. 

Of course as he grows and transitions into a toddler I will savor each moment as well. We are just getting started. I can't wait to see what the next year brings with my sweet little Cooper. 

The move

Oh my gosh. I can't believe I haven't posted since July!

Our house was finished and we moved in at the end of August. It's been so great having a home again. We had the apartment at Talavera until mid September so we took our time tying off loose ends there. It took us a big uhaul and a couple truck/car loads, but we got all moved in one day. We spent the first night in our new home without cushions for the couch because they were in the back of the uhaul buried, and Alex ended up sleeping in the car. Lol. He got a little eager about spending the first night in our new home that he forgot to make sure our bed or couch cushions were accessible. 

The next morning we hired a couple of dudes to come help unload the uhaul. That was nice to have some help for Alex because he was so sore from the day before. 

Then the unpacking begins. It's funny how much more stressful and less productive moving is when you have a little baby under foot. Luckily he hadn't started crawling yet so I was able to plop him down with some toys for a while so I could unpack a few boxes here and there. 

The dust. Oh the dust. It's still, even now, a developing area. So there's construction and digging all around us. I swear the first week we were here there was just a constant layer of dirt on everything no matter how much sweeping and cleaning I did. 

The dogs have started skewing in their kennel at night that we have in our room. That has been such a relief for two reasons: 1) there's more room in our bed with Cooper still sleeping with us 2) no middle of the night pee/poop accidents. They have wrecked any place we have ever lived because they weren't trained to let us know if they had to pee at night so they would just hop off the bed and go on a pad that we had to lay down which was super annoying. So them sleeping in the kennel has made me hate them less lol. 

I'm loving our home. I love having a place for everything. I love having space for us to grow. I love having a fenced back area. I love having a front yard. 

B32 will always have a special place in my heart because that was the place we brought Cooper home with us. The first several months of his life, the maternity leave memories, and those first crazy nights being home with him all happened there in that little apartment. So that will be a fun part of his life to tell him about when he's older. 

Tarantulas are a real thing in Herriman, by the way. Alex didn't believe me until we saw one in the street the first week we were here. Ew. Not cool. 

Play Ball

Last night we took Cooper to his first ever Bees baseball game. Baseball is such a love of mine, but the ballpark is just as important of a place to me. I grew up around ball fields. The smell of the grass, the dusty dirt, the chain link fences. Overpriced concessions that always seem to taste so much better at the ballpark. I just love everything about the environment. 

In 2006 Alex took me to my first Bees game ever and proposed to me at the bottom of the 6th inning. We didn't go to a ton of games but always made it a point to catch a few during the season. 

Later on I spent two of my summers running up, down, under, and around the ballpark in SLC when I was a 'HoneyBee' for the Bees. I went to nearly every single game if not working I went as a fan to enjoy the game! I made so many friends and have so many happy memories there from that time. 

So this place specifically holds such a place in my heart because of how any happy memories I have there. 

My previous post talked about all "the firsts" I'll get to have with Cooper. So our first baseball game was one to remember. It was the 24th of July so it was so crowded and hot hot hot. We sat in the grass thinking it would be easier with a baby. Kinda wishing we would have got seats so we could have been in the shade, haha. We didn't spend a lot of time watching the game since we had to keep roaming around for some shade, but we lasted the entire game, sang the 7th inning stretch, and had a lot of good laughs and smiles! We didn't stay for fireworks, but that's alright. Many more to come. 

It was fun. Stressful at times. But probably the best memory I'll have in my book of baseball memories. 

I can't wait to go to many more games with my little slugger ;) 

The firsts.

Tonight I started to feel nostalgic. Missing "the firsts" of my relationship with Alex. I was thinking about the first date I had with Alex. The first kiss. The first cuddle. The first time we said 'I love you'. The first camp out. The first sleepover. The first apartment. 

Anyway...I started to get so sad thinking I would never have those firsts again because we are over 11 years into our relationship. 

But just as I started to think that...I realized something so amazing. So eye opening.

 

I remembered the first time we decided to try and have a baby. The first time we found out we were going to HAVE a baby. 

The first time we heard our baby's heartbeat. 

The first time we saw that he was a he.

The first time we saw his little toes and fingers on the ultrasound. 

The first time we went to the labor and delivery center because it was time.  

The first time we saw our baby boy after he made his entrance into the world. 

The first time he grabbed our fingers. 

The first time we brought him home.

The first sleepless night we had as new parents. 

The first time we packed away newborn clothes, because our baby was too big for them. 

The first time we saw him smile.

The first time we heard him laugh. 

The first time we saw him roll over. 

The first time we saw him hold a bottle.

The first time we left him with someone so we could go out. 

The first time he sat in his stroller. 

The first time he sat up by himself. 

The first time he ate sweet potatoes, and didn't really like them.

The first time he leaned in with his arms wide open to give his daddy a hug.

My God. There are so many first times that are going to happen. So many first times that will be just as beautiful as the last "first time".  

His first words. His first steps. His first day of school. His first sleepover. His first baseball game. His first scraped knee. His first loss. His first win. All the way up to first dance and first love.  

It's normal to remember the first times. To long for them. To ache for them. 

But to think of all the 'first times' I'm going to have with Alex and Cooper...just blows my mind. I'm the luckiest girl in the world to have them. I can't wait (oh, but I can) to see what other firsts are in store. 

The birth story.

Cooper James MacLean was born on his due date of Thursday, January 29th 2015 at 10:33PM. He was 8lbs 11oz, and 21.5 inches long.

I woke up early, and took Alex to work. I went home and started finishing some of the last of the baby laundry. Everything was normal. I hadn't had any braxton hicks, or major back pain all morning. When I went to the bathroom I felt like I had pee'd my pants, but I definitely didn't pee my pants. I text Alex and said "so I think my water just broke?" And he replied, "no way..."

I always expected it to be more, but I had lower fluid at some of my previous dr appts so I didn't really know. So I went and picked Alex up and we headed to Alta View Labor and Delivery.

We got there at around 10:50AM, and they sent me to a room to change and the nurse came in to check and see if I was dilated and if my water had really broken.  She checked and I was dilated 2cm (I was 1/2 a cm at my dr appt a week before), but she said my water did not break. She put some monitors on my stomach to monitor baby's heart, and contractions. She was going to monitor me for a few minutes, but then send us on our way since my water hadn't broke. I was a little disappointed, but oh well.

About 10 min after she checked me, I felt gushes of fluid coming out, soaking the bed. I panicked. I immediately hit the nurse button. I hate those things. I never know how to use it. Like it feels like I'm at a drive thru..."Can I help you?" "Uh. Can the nurse come back? Something just happened to the bed...?" I was scared because she had literally just told me that my water hadn't broken, so if my water hadn't broken what the hell just happened on the bed?! Nurse came in and I was crying. She was kind of annoyed and was like "why are you crying? does it hurt?" I said "no it doesnt hurt but you just told me my water didnt break so....this is kind of f*cking alarming to me." 

She helped me up, looked at the bed and said "oh yeah, your water just broke."  Alex says, "So does that mean we are having a baby today?" Nurse said "yep, having a baby today!"

So since I wasn't contracting, or dilating, but my water broke, they had to induce me. They started my Pitocin drip at about 1:00PM, and my Dr came in at around 2:00PM to see how things were going. My Dr doesn't work on Thursdays, so I was surprised to see him. But I guess that's why he is paid the big bucks, haha. He checked me and I was dilated 4cm, and predicted I would have our baby at around 10pm-11pm and he would check back in on me later that evening.

I had the sweetest nurse (a different one from the one who we saw when we got there), her name was Heather. She checked me and watched me until shift change at 7pm. Then Heidi came in and took over. I was dilating quick, like 2cm an hour or so. By 6:30 I was dilated to a 10, so I was ready to push. Heidi called my dr and he said he couldn't be back to the hospital til later, so to slow my Pitocin drip and let me 'relax and descend' for a couple hours. Heidi said that by me 'relaxing and descending' it would make for a very easy delivery, because it allowed baby to go down the birth canal more before we pushed, so when the time came for pushing it wouldn't take much pushing to get him out.....LOL YEAH RIGHT.

I started pushing at about 8pm. Pushed for 30 second at a time, about every 5 min. Then we pushed every 3 min as contractions got closer together. I would push, and it would seem like everything was progressing, but then the baby would go back to the position he was in before I started pushing. I was exhausted by 9pm only 1hr of pushing. My epidural meds wore off (I had gotten the epidural early like 2pm).  So while they called the anesthesiologist to redo the meds, I had about 20 min of contractions and labor without medication. It was horrible. I have so much respect for people who do it naturally. That was the longest 20 min of my life!! But it kicked in and all was well, and back to pushing.

My dr showed up at 10:10PM, checked me out and said I had done so much pushing I was starting to bruise. And the baby was still in that same position he was in 4 hours before....
Turns out the baby was sideways, so anytime I would push he couldn't truly descend since he was kinked in there all weird and sideways.  Dr went over options with me. Said we could use vacuum or forceps. If we use the vacuum, theres a chance that it will lose suction, and if it loses suction more than 3 times they have to do a c-section. They could use forceps, but if he couldn't get a good grip on his head, they would have to do a c-section. They couldn't do both vacuum and forceps, it was one or the other. He seemed most confident with forceps so we went that route.

The next 20 minutes felt like hours...and I'm really not being dramatic with how intense those minutes felt to me. 

My dr would have to try and flip him during my contractions while I pushed so it was up to me to give him that window of opportunity. It took about 5 min, but he successfully turned the baby, and now we could deliver him with a few more pushes. At this point, I was almost 2.5 hrs of pushing, and most of it was all for nothing so I had almost no energy....I felt so weak and hurt so much I had no idea how I was going to get a few more pushes out of this. But I needed to do it for baby.
After every contraction and push, everyone in the room would stop, and look at the heart monitor....baby's heart rate was dropping after every contraction. They would all stare at the monitor waiting for it to go back up, which it did each time. They could see the fear and concern in mine and Alexs faces and they would assure us that it was all ok. 

A couple minutes later right before my next contraction my dr stopped, looked me in the eyes and said "Anna, you have to get this baby out...he's not doing good, he doesn't like this. You have to push, or we're going into surgery."
The baby was in distress from all the pushing, and the forceps. It was all starting to really affect him. 
It's incredible how quick it went from ME being in labor, ME having to push, ME trying to deliver this baby...to this is about Cooper. This is about getting this baby, this human life, here safe.
I've never in my life been more motivated and determined to do something. I was terrified, but I looked to my right over at Alex (who never left my side), and through his tears and fear he just held my hand and told me, "you got this babe..."
Two more pushes, and there he was. On my chest, wide eyed and crying.
I'll never forget those next few minutes. Looking our baby in the eyes and telling him how proud I was of him. The first thing I remember saying to him was "I am so happy you're here...you did so good..." Watching Alex cut the cord, watching them do his measurements and cleaning him off I couldn't see him but I could see Alex. He was so proud. He kept looking over at me mouthing, "He's perfect...He's so beautiful." Alex was crying and couldn't stop smiling. Thelong awaited arrival of our baby had finally come. 

Time literally stood still for me for those few minutes, and in a way I wish they could have lasted forever. In life there are very few moments that are considered "life changing"...becoming a mother tops the list for me. 

Cooper made me a mommy. Made Alex a daddy. Made Alex and me parents. A title and role we will have forever. 

How incredible is that?

38 Weeks and Feeling....

Third trimester has been a beast. I feel like I got REALLY pregnant at 30 weeks.  

Things are good - I do not have pre-eclampsia, just high blood pressure. Amniotic fluid was low at last weeks appointment, but went up significantly at this weeks appointment. Even though I want him here so bad, I don't want it to be because of health issues (did I say that in the last post?).  I want him to come when he's ready. I just want him to be ready, like...yesterday.

Anyway, I have done nothing but complain about how miserable I am the last few weeks. Yes, I am miserable, in pain, and cry everyday...but I know that this is an experience that has an ending with the most ultimate prize, and I really do understand that it's something to be grateful for. And I truly am. 

Even though typing that right now makes me cringe. 

I wanted to write out things I will miss, and things I will not miss about being pregnant.

Things I Will Not Miss

1. Having to pee 6 times during the night
2. Leg cramps that have made me fall out of bed, and cry out in desperation for them to stop
3. The pelvic pressure pain...oh I will NOT miss the pelvic pain
4. Walking like a t-rex everywhere I go
5. Having people tell me how "cute" my t-rex waddle is
6. Only having 6 shirts, and 3 pairs of pants that fit me
7. Needing help up off the couch, and getting out of bed
8. Toothpaste on the shirt
9. Walking past a mirror and (depending on my mood) having it ruin my day because I'm so huge
10. Waiting...forever waiting

Things I Will Miss

1. Knowing my baby is safe and sound inside my belly
2. Empathy from my friends and family regarding the things I will not miss
3. Being able to say "but, I'm pregnant..." to get out of things 
4. Sleeping whenever I want...zZzZzZ
5. Feeling my active baby wiggle and do backflips 
6. Planning/Nesting
7. Ice cream at 1am
8. My sweet husband reaching over while we are in the car, or laying in bed and rubbing or touching my belly
9. Mommy-to-be parking
10. Being able to blame 'pregnancy brain'

Each list could be longer.....but ya know, typing out each list makes me not feel so bad for myself anymore. I am a very self sufficient girl, and I don't like having other people do things for me...so feeling so pathetic that I can't even get out of bed without asking for help has been hard. But also humbling! So even the bad things have a silver lining. 

I have so much respect for women. If you asked me right now if I would ever get pregnant again I would tell you HELL NO, because of how hard this last trimester has been. 

I'm sure that after he is here, in my arms, I will forget all about the 'Things I Will Not Miss' list. 

I bet that it's something like the Men In Black will come out of no where and do the red flash pen in front of my eyes and I will forget all about the last 9 months, and I'll do it all over again in a few years. 

I can't wait for the sweet surreal feeling of holding our sweet baby...

I'm so impatient, but I know he will be worth the wait.

Moments.

We've just got a few more weeks until our little Cooper will make his grand entrance into our lives forever. 

My doctor appointment last week I was showing signs of preeclampsia. High blood pressure and protein in my urine. My doctor is wonderful and will do an ultrasound next week to see where we are, and if my symptoms are still there they will do other tests and see if they need to induce. As much as I want my little man here, I want it to be on his time and when he's ready. Not because of complications. I'm hoping my symptoms disappear and he will just come when he's ready. 

My hormones have been out of control the last few weeks. I cried over Christmas songs, gifts, news articles, when I yell at the dogs, and just about everything else.  But I just wanted to write about something that really got my tears flowing today. 

From the time in my pregnancy where I started to feel movement I have always wanted Alex to feel. He has felt Cooper move just a handful of times, and more recently he can actually see my stomach moving if we are sitting on the couch or something. He felt him have the hiccups the other day and he just laughed because it was so funny. I've loved it when he feels him. It's just about as real as it gets for him until Cooper actually gets here, and so it's just been very meaningful and important to me to have him experience feeling him from time to time. 

This morning I was giving Alex a ride to work and he said to me, "I was weird last night while you were sleeping. I just touched your belly for about 45 minutes."

He said Cooper was moving like crazy, and he just laid there and felt him. Not even weird! I don't like crying in front of Alex because I've been doing it so much, but after I dropped him off I lost it.  It was a moment I wish I had been awake for, but it was so special to me to feel like he just had a moment with Cooper. Just daddy and son. No prompting by me, no feeling of disappointment if he stopped moving. Just Alex being present in that moment and taking that in is such a sweet thought to me. I can't even explain it. 

I've always felt so safe with this man and I know there's nothing in the world he wouldn't do for me. He is going to be the best daddy ever. I never had any doubts. But it's moments like that that remind me of how lucky I am. And how lucky Cooper is. 

I love my boys so much. 

Uhhh the final countdown...?!

Has it really been almost 12 weeks since my last post?! What the heck. 

Time has not been "flying" as everyone has promised me. However, I am almost 32 weeks pregnant now and am so anxious to meet our little boy. 

I have had dreams of him lately, and when I wake up I have the saddest little cloud over my head because I am now awake and miss seeing him in my dreams. He kicks and rolls around in my belly though, to let me know he's not far at all :)

I had two baby showers. One my coworkers threw for me, and one for my family and other friends. They were both so amazing! I am so lucky to have such sweet coworkers, friends, and family to spoil me. 

We went and had our 3d ultrasound a couple weeks ago. We were there a total of 10 minutes before Cooper totally flipped and turned toward my spine so there was no chance of getting a shot of his face. We managed to get a couple, and then went back the next week and got a few more. 

I can't explain the feeling when I saw his face pop up on the screen. It was similar to when we first heard his little heartbeat. But this was so real. Seeing his face. His nose. His cheeks!! He's a person. And he's our person. I can't tell who he looks like because he's all squishy, but I can tell he has his daddy's cheeks. I've never been so in love. The ultrasound tech even says.....that he has HAIR!!!! I have been so stressed about him having hair. It's really stupid haha. 

My whole first trimester I wondered how I would ever bond with this baby. Or if I would ever be excited about him. I was so scared to love him because I was terrified that something would go wrong. I didn't want to be disappointed or sad so it seemed easier to not be excited. Things changed when I saw his heartbeat. But I think I felt the most attached and in love when I felt him start moving. I know what I feel is probably normal. But at the time I had so much guilt for not being as excited as I thought I should be. All because I was so scared. 

Looking back at the last 20 weeks or so, there's never been a sad or disappointing moment. Cooper could never do anything to disappoint me at this point. Even if things hadn't gone as well as they have been going. What a blessing being pregnant has been. What an honor that I get to be his mommy. Yeah, I can't wait to hold him in my arms, but I don't need him to be here for me to be completely smitten and in love. The next 8 weeks couldn't go by fast enough for me. But I keep my eye on the prize. I know he will be worth the wait. 

Cooper James. I love you. I'll see you soon baby boy. 

20 Week Update

Since I'm not a huge fan of my picture being taken right now, I definitely want to keep a record of how things are moving along every few weeks.  So I'll keep up (hopefully) by using the blog. 

Gender? Boy!!

Baby's heart-rate at last Dr appointment? 143

Cravings? None really. I need to always have something to drink though like lemonade or water. I should probably drink more water.....

New symptoms? I started getting really bad heartburn this week, only at night.  At first I didn't know what it was because I've never really had heartburn, but once I realized oh hey, this is heartburn, I have my little tums to save me :) 

Mood? Happy. I've gotten to a really good and knowing what I should/shouldn't waste my energy on, since I still get so tired so easily. So just being aware of that keeps me in a positive happy mood most of the time. 

Showing? Yes. I had a little excess before I got pregnant (booze) so I didn't think I'd really start showing until later, but the past 2-3 weeks I popped for sure. Even caved and bought some maternity shirts! I tried on all my clothes and got so annoyed because I was convinced they were shrinking...nope, this mama is just growing! 

(((P.S. Everything I read when I got pregnant said to not waste money on maternity clothes because you only wear them for a few weeks and they are expensive, but they are really the same price as anything else I would buy at Target, Gordmans, etc.  I also think, for me anyway, its important to still feel somewhat normal and confident while my body is doing a complete overhaul. I didn't feel confident when I would just buy shirts from the section I would normally shop while not pregnant, so even though I'll only wear them for a few months it already has been well worth the money I've spent.  Another idea: A girl I work with suggested going to look at thrift stores because so many women get rid of their gently used and sometimes really nice maternity clothes! I will for sure be checking those stores out soon.)))

How's Hubby? He's good, and very attentive. Gets jealous when I say I can feel baby moving all over the place, because he wants to feel him so bad! I haven't been able to have him feel my tummy and have Cooper move at the same time because the movements are so sporadic, but I'm sure it will happen soon :) 

Baby is as big as a....cantalope.

Why are we comparing babies to fruit, anyway?

 

Just Baby Love

Here we are at 19 weeks today! I'd like to say time is flying...but it's not! Ok lies. It kind of is. It's weird to think we are almost 1/2 way there. Almost there and only here at the same time. 

Moving got pushed to October 1st. Which is a bummer. But it alright. I have a lot of stuff already packed and stored away though because I thought we would be moved by now. Whoops. So I literally am wearing the same 2 pair of shoes for the next month...since all the other ones are packed. 

Most exciting thing that has happened recently is I have been able to feel baby Cooper (name reveal) move all the time! It is the most exciting and incredible feeling I've ever experienced. I love when he gets all active right at bed time like "hey hang out with me mom." Dude, I can hang all night with you. 

It's such a sweet subtle reminder too. I've been having a lot of struggle lately with some family issues (another blog another day), and heartbreak completely consumed me for a few days. But when I feel Cooper it's such a humbling and relieving feeling knowing he's there, and it's like he's reminding me to not be so sad. It's such a calming feeling knowing that no matter who is absent from my life now, that I have this little person who is so important and who is really depending on me. I can't control what my family chooses to do and how they act, but I can control where I put my energy. And Cooper reminds me that even though it's heartbreaking to have lost some of my family, that I have a family right here and he needs me. Arianna helps me with all this too. She still keeps me so grounded and I have sooooo much energy to focus on her as well. And she deserves it just as much as Cooper. 

I'm not saying that the "loss" of my family is replaceable because it's not, but I can't dwell and be devastated about these choices my family makes on their own when I have so much right in front of me to nurture. 

I'm so baby mode right now. I need to talk about my superstar Arianna!! She started 3rd grade last week. THIRD GRADE! What is happening?! It feels like just last week I was helping her take her first steps. She's so grown up. And she loves independence. Which is terrifying because she doesn't get that with independence comes responsibility and consequences for actions. But she learns. And I learn. And my mom learns. Sometimes it's the hard way....but we learn! She was so bored sitting at home all summer, so back to school was SUCH a big deal. 

We are in the process if tweaking her medication. Her meltdowns and tantrums are getting worse, and more severe because of her size. She is a little overweight for her age, but nothing that can't be gotten under control. So with her size, me being pregnant, and her tantrums it was just time to reevaluate. 

Here's a couple status updates that I should have blogged about. But screenshots will do :) 

And here's a super cute back to school pic. I am so in love with her. Sometimes I wonder how in the world ill be able to love cooper as much as I do her. But the feeling is just so much the same :) 

The only thing she asked for as far as back to school stuff goes was a hello kitty back pack and sketchers shoes. Easy enough for me!!! I'd give this honey anything she ever wanted even the moon. All she has to do is ask.