Facebooks "on this day" feature has been a fun thing for me to look at daily. I like seeing who I became friends with, what I was doing, who I was talking about, and remembering experiences I had.
There was one posted on this day 2010. It was a lyric (of course). I specifically remember posting it because I had never heard the song before, but it went along perfectly with things that had happened during that very same 24 hour period.
I'll always remember that day so vividly it's almost frightening. Without getting into the dramatic details I can just say that it was the day I realized I was letting someone else live my life for me. I was deliberately allowing myself to be controlled. I was being so naive and living in a total state of denial trying to justify the situation I had put myself in.
A 'come to Jesus', a revelation, a change of heart, an epiphany...there's a million ways to say it. The only way I can explain it is that it was the day the fog lifted. I could see. Devastated by the damage and of what was in front of me to face, but at the same time I felt so much clarity.
"I can't go back to yesterday. I was a different person then." -Alice (Alice in Wonderland).
It is so true. I was different. I had changed. I evolved overnight and somehow gained an enormous amount of strength I never knew I had. It took a lot of swallowing my pride, but I was ready. I was ready to be brand new.
I've made mistakes since then don't get me wrong. No one is perfect. But this is the day, 'On This Day', six years ago that I started to become a true form of myself. I was happy. And I was ready to let myself be happy. The months leading up to this were the darkest and loneliest days I have ever had. My heart aches for the girl I was before. I had made incredible mistakes and was at the point where I was tricking myself into believing that was where I legitimately wanted to be. I feel so much compassion for that girl, but also a lot of anger. I was a selfish and manipulative know it all. I can admit it. I think what made me realize it all was actually having someone in my life who was just as selfish...just as manipulative... as I was. I wasn't evil or anything, but I was definitely headed in a direction that would have destroyed my life and the people I love the most. Had it not been for that person unknowingly showing me how I had been treating others by allowing that person to treat me that same way, I probably never would have come up from the fog. I never would have seen what I looked like from the outside. Seen what the people that I loved had been seeing in me.
The day the fog lifted was the day my life started to come together and it's been together ever since.
