Inconceivable ;)

Cooper got his 15 month shots today :( this was the worst reaction he has ever had to shots. It's 11:44 as I write this and he just went to bed 35 minutes ago. So just let that signify how rough of a night he had. 

He fell asleep in my arms. He's such a busy boy. I rock him to sleep most nights in his room (crib sleeping is a thing now, yay!) but tonight for him to just fall asleep facing forward in my arms.....it was just one of those moments. 

One of those moments you never want to end. 

One of those moments that stay engrained in your mind forever. 

One of those moments you wish you could repeat every night. 

Every moment is that way with my coops. But this moment was just different. Probably because he struggled so much and he rarely struggles to go to sleep. So when he finally did it was one of those moments. 

It also got me thinking about how I was told by my mom that Drs told her I would never be able to have babies. My appendix ruptured when I was eight years old. And when that happens you want to have surgery immediately. 

My mom, being the busy widowed mom she was, I imagine just was thinking I had the flu. It wasn't until a few days of throwing up and being ghost white that we went to the hospital. I remember my mothers friend carrying me into the hospital in both arms because I had no strength to move. 

They did tests and nothing came back that anything was wrong with me. Clearly there was so they did exploratory surgery and found my appendix had burst. 

Having burst, all the toxins and poisons from the rupture potentially affected my reproductive organs, damaging them permanently. 

I never knew about that last bit until I was 18 years old. My mom told me after Alex and I had gotten engaged. 

I was young so I wasn't thinking about babies, but I knew I wanted them. And we had talked about it just a few months prior. I was heart broken. 

I never got checked out but when I was about 22 my gynecologist said if I was regular then that means my stuff is worming fine and not to worry. 

It took six months to conceive coopman. Which I realize is not long, but each month that went by I felt more and more summoned to a life without babies. 

So, I go back to tonight....holding my 'inconceivable' baby(toddler) in my arms. Feeling so blessed. I am the luckiest momma. 

Growth

My time hop app, which is an app that brings up memories you posted on the same day years prior, comes up with some pretty interesting things sometimes. Lately it's the posts from 3-4 years ago that are just mind blowing to me.

I say mind blowing because it's just bizzaro to me what a different person I was back then. 

Part of this blog might be depressing. But I swear it's positive at the end.

Let me start by saying Cooper has changed my life. I know, every parent says that. And if you're not a parent yet, I know you hear it all the time..."kids change you." But let's be honest, if you don't have kids and people say that to you, you nod and as enthusiastically say, "mmmhmmmm oh I bet" when really you have no idea what they mean. I'm not saying you can't grasp the depth of love if you don't have kids. But the change. You don't understand the change it does to you until it happens. 

Before I became a mom my life revolved around very little. I had very low self esteem, but oddly enough I was extremely outgoing. I had this desperate need to be accepted. My self worth was defined by having people like me and I would go to almost any extreme to get people to like me. It was pathetic. 

I think of the people who I wanted acceptance from, but had no problem back biting them if it meant getting acceptance from someone else. I think about those people so much, and feel so much guilt. Hindsight, some of those people weren't the greatest of people to me either, but it it looking back I am ashamed that I ever acted that way.

That disclosed information aside. 
I can't help but think my biggest crime was pretending to be someone I wasn't. 

I wish I could tell those people I'm sorry. Honestly, I'm sure not many of them would care. They are at points in their lives where they are cleaning out the trash. And I hold no hard feelings to them. I admire their self respect to rid themselves of people who weren't genuine with them. Because that was me.

Fast forward now, I am still friends with more people from that time of my life than I am not. It's not like I was a walking shitty person to everyone I knew, but those people who didn't love and accept me right away got the most un-authentic me imaginable. Because I was so scared of not being accepted by them. It was almost like, "Let me be who YOU want me to be so you like me". It's almost heartbreaking as I write it. 

I guess I'm just grateful for growth. I'm grateful for second chances, and the ability to change into a better person. I'll never hate who I was, because "hate" keeps you stuck. I will have compassion and understanding, and make sure I always remember that girl, so I can remind myself of why I don't want to be like that again.

"It's hard to be true to yourself, especially when everyone is watching." One of my favorite quotes ever by Dave Chappelle. I'll spend the rest of my life fighting the battle of being true to myself, but I know it's a battle I'm determined to always win.