Keto Guido

So by this time in 2018 we've all heard of the new diet trend...the Keto Diet.  If you've lived under a rock, the keto diet is basically a low carb high fat diet. You are retraining your body to burn FAT as fuel instead of carbs. The results are crazy that people are getting (that sounded a bit like a sales pitch?). 

I was so turned off to it because it seemed gimmicky. All these people losing all this weight and I think there's got to be a catch, people are going to gain it back, there's going to be some adverse health effects, something. Just something.
Also, there is SO. MUCH. INFORMATION. about the Keto diet!! INFORMATION OVERLOAD! I didn't even know where to start, and at first I didn't know the logistics behind it and so I tried going into it blindly just eating cheese and bacon for a couple days...I failed quickly, haha.

Then someone put it simply to me, the way I explained it above, and it just clicked! It made sense and I started following this Instagram account who's whole focus is Keto Made Simple. Because it can get so damn complicated!! I needed simple!

BOOM

5 weeks later I've been doing a completely keto diet and am down about 10 pounds. I am so excited. I sometimes get discouraged because I see these before and after photos and yeah it took these people months for their results, but I'm seeing them instantly and so I get impatient and want it to happen faster. But it's always exciting when I get on the scale on Saturday morning and see if I'm down any, and keeps me motivated. 

There's this documentary I watched a few weeks before starting Keto called "The Magic Pill".  It followed these people who have chronic conditions, and even followed a couple of people with autism, all of who were on expensive medications, and still struggling with their conditions.  The film makers filmed these people doing this way of eating for a few weeks and showed the difference it made in managing these conditions.  Now, I am skeptical of just about everything in my life...I'm thinking, this is just for good tv, they are exaggerating it, blah blah. Then they showed this girl with autism and the difference in her behavior and her personality were mind blowing. MIND BLOWING. She clearly still had a disability, but she was not as wild and so easily upset...which is a HUGE deal with autism. It was incredible, and obviously hit home to me because of Arianna.  I've had Arianna try a few different 'keto' foods I've prepped when she's been over and she loves them. I really think over time this could be a way of eating for her and could help her tremendously! Now if we could only get Cooper to eat Keto, hahahahahaha that'll never happen. Chicken nuggets, grilled cheese, cereal, watermelon and apples for life, right? I can hope.

Any way, I'm just stoked with this, I'm impatient, but I do have to trust the process. I am so excited to see where I am 5 months from now, and a year from now.  I gained an embarrassing amount of weight when I was pregnant with Cooper and struggled to lose any of it after I had him. So to actually see, feel, and notice a difference after a month, I know this is something I can do.

People ask me a lot, "Do you think you'll do it forever?"
Probably not.  But will I always be carb conscious? YES.
The average person eats carbs in the HUNDREDS per day! HUNDREDS!!! Now that I am limiting my carbs to 20 per day, I get sick just thinking of how casually I consumed carbs....
I got an iced venti non-fat 7 pump chai from starbucks, every single day. This is just a beverage I'm talking about...
65 carbs. 61 sugars.
LIKE WHAT?!?!?!? I dont even hit 65 carbs by Wednesday! HAHA!
So it's just put a lot of things in perspective for me.  I have known how to maintain weight, maintaining is not my issue. It's losing I struggle with. I know how to moderate my diet, and do portion control so once I get to my goal weight I probably will lax a whole ton. 

But for now...KETO ON!!!

Also, be careful drinking vodka on the keto diet. You will get messed up. IN a hurry.  Just ask my friend Vinny LOLOLOLOLOL........

My Car Crash

"I survived because the fire inside of me burned brighter than the fire that burned around me."

I found this quote 365 days ago today.  I was looking at quotes about resilience and stumbled across this one.  I wanted it to resonate true with me and be real. I wanted to feel THIS right now. I read it and thought..."I'll never survive this. I'll never get through this fire.."

I want to write about my car crash.  And before you think it was an actual car accident, just know that when I speak of my car crash, its metaphorical. I won't say exactly what the metaphor is, but no it wasn't an actual car crash. It's how I describe this situation, a trauma if you will, that had been coming at me head on for a long time, and finally made impact on me. Emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually.

I won't always post such deep or bummer type things on this blog, because I want it to be a record of happy and fun or thoughtful memories.  But to me, this was a car accident that has shaped me and forced me to grow as a person. It will help me remember just what I recovered from and how far I've come. And I never want to forget that.

Let me explain.

One year ago today I was in my car crash. I wasn't driving, someone else was. It was me in the passenger seat, hopeful that the driver would get us to our destination. That person was driving under the influence of a very heavy and destructive substance. Deep down, I knew they were using this substance. I didn't want to believe it, and denied it for over a year even though my gut and intuition told me this person was 'impaired' the entire time. I sat in the passenger seat while this person drove impaired for over a year, praying they would come down from the high before something terrible happened.

Then on 5.21.17, we crashed.

The driver got out of the car, walked around and examined the damage. The car was totaled. The driver was bumped and bruised, but nothing life threatening. They got out lucky.
Then there I was.
Every bone in my body was broken.
My brain damaged, and not able to process what was happening.
My lungs were collapsing, I couldn't breathe.
My heart, broken into a million pieces. I was dying.
I thought on that day that I surely wouldn't survive and was about to take my final breath.

At first they acted as though they didn't notice or care that I was hanging on for dear life, only worried about themselves...and told me this was the choice they made and it was just unfortunate that I had gotten into the car with them.
Maybe I should have made better choices.

The the shock wore off the driver quickly, and they came down from this thing that had been impairing them for over a year.  They had stepped out of the fog in almost an instant.  They realized what they had done. What they'd been doing. How injured I was, and how the car (our life) was completely totaled. They called 911. We needed help.

We immediately got help. The driver stood at the doors to where I was taken, with a broken soul and overwhelmed with guilt for what their impaired driving had done to me. To us, and to our life.

The driver was told it could take months, even years for me to recover.  But even still at that time, I wasn't so sure I was going to make it. Every breath felt like it was the last, and so many times I would wake up and cry just because I was in so much pain that I just wanted to feel peace and not be suffering anymore. It was too much and I didn't feel there was ever going to be a way for me to recover and be the same person I used to be. Permanently damaged in a way that made me think I would never have a good quality of life. I wanted to die. I wanted to die every waking moment of every day just to feel the relief of this pain.

Months went by. I was healing, but it was slow. There were times the driver pounded on my recovery room doors begging me to please get up and walk, even though both my legs were broken. Begging me to please get back in the car with them. Promising they were no longer under the influence, and would never crash with me in the car again.

How could I be so sure? Why would I EVER trust this person just when I'm starting to get better? The one who drove us head on into oncoming traffic with their foot firmly on the gas, wants me to get back into the car with them? No fucking way.

It seemed like one injury would heal, and another would come up. And it felt this way for months, and even still at times. I've always believed people who suffer any kind of TBI (traumatic brain injury) are never really the same when they recover.  The brain is a finicky thing, and not one to be messed with.  And of all the injuries I had gotten, the brain was the one that I knew wasn't going to ever be the same if we got through it.

The aftermath of the car crash was devastating. It still is. I didn't just wake up one day and decide I could be happy and trust again. It's been a long road, and will continue to be a long road. But I can say, with all the confidence and security in the world, that I believe the worst is over. Healing comes in time, in phases, and in pieces. It doesn't  come all at once. Certain parts of the body can take longer to heal than others, and with different treatments, too.
And YES, I AM a different person. I'm a stronger person. I'm a truer person. I'm learning to love myself.  And if this has given me anything it's a strengthened connection with God. Because when I thought I was all alone, even the months leading up to the crash, HE was always there.

I eventually got back in the car with the driver. And so far, the ride has been smooth. I have my trigger moments where I freak out remembering certain things from the car crash, but the driver always assures me everything is okay, and holds my hand until I get through what I need to get through.  I no longer feel that excruciating pain associated with the injuries, but the aches and pains pop up every now and then. But I'll take that any day because now I know I can survive, I can persist, I AM resilient, and I didn't die.  I made it.


Who knows where the drive will take us this time. But I can only hope its to sunnier places.

And The Blog Goes On

I said on my last blog I'd be blogging about what Alex so thoughtfully did for me for Mother's Day this year.

No shade - this has been the best Mother's Day that he has given me. For it not even being Mother's Day yet...that's something, right?

I've been feeling stuck lately. It's almost felt like an identity crisis. When I typed that I capitalized the I in identity...that's how relevant it feels..el oh el.

Granted I have been on maternity leave with TWO kids. So my whole life for the last seven weeks has been nothing but

MOMMY MOMMY
CRY CRY
HIT
SOB
TANTRUM
PISSED
BLOWOUTS
DIAPERS
BOTTLES
FUSSINESS
SNACKS
NAPS (perk)
MOMMY MOMMY

There's been a LOT of happy moments, a ton of mom wins, don't get me wrong. The good days always out weigh the bad, but it doesn't mean I don't constantly feel like, "man, what am I but a snack grabber and butt changer?"

Any way, in the midst of my identity crisis I had a break down to Alex about how I wish I had something for myself, and how I loved writing and how much I miss blogging and writing...

The next day I text Alex from bed as he was getting ready and said, "Plz don't leave me with the kids..."

He felt terrible that he had to go to work.  I know that if he could, he always would 10/10 times work from home if he could.

Anyway he obviously had to go to work, but he text me later and said he got me a surprise. 

On his way home (which is a 35-40min drive) he asked if I'd gotten my surprise from earlier in the day yet.  I hadn't, so I thought he was playing with me in that he wanted me to expect something delivered when he really had something he was going to give me when he got home.  Our call got cut short for some reason, and while it did there was knock at our door. 
                 It was a flower delivery!! I was so shocked and surprised. I instantly welled up with tears. Knowing how hard of a week I had, and knowing that I conveyed that hard week to Alex and he felt so bad that he wanted to do something sweet for me...just made me so emotional.  It still does and I'm writing this blog almost two weeks later!

The note attached to the flowers was perfect, and  I have it sitting by my work computer...it said "just so you know you're the best wife and mom in the whole world, love alex"
*queue tears*

When he got home I immediately greeted him with a kiss and hug saying how much I loved the flowers.  He then said that he had gotten my Mother's Day present, and asked me if I wanted it now or on Mothers Day.  At this point it was over a week to Mother's Day, but we both knew we'd be out of town on the actual day and not be able to celebrate in the way we probably would have had we not been out of town.  I said duh, I want my present now!

He said, "Well I have part of it.  The other part won't be in stock til next week." He then gave me a laptop case.  He has known that I have been wanting to write, blog, and just be weird on the internet like normal people for some time, but recently I have talked about wanting to blog and how a laptop would help me be able to do that.  Writing has always been so therapeutic for me, and heaven knows I've needed lots of therapy lately!

I was SO SURPRISED!! He knew I would never go out and get a laptop on my own.  He knew no matter now much I talked about wanting a laptop so I could blog and write that I would never spend that kind of money on myself to do it.  So when he pulled out the laptop case and said he had gotten me a laptop I was ecstatic. He said he had left the reciept in the car and wanted to go grab it to show me the kind of laptop he got me. He went outside to the car, and came back in and said, "Ah I can't find the receipt, but it's okay I'll just give you your present now." And he gave me a brand new Chromebook laptop!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 I just couldn't believe it.  I haven't had a laptop since my Macbook that was from 2010.  To me that thing is still brand new, haha! But I don't use it at all except for storing and finding old photos from 2010-2012.

So here I am blogging this blog at 1am on a work night - yikes....but I love it. I love writing. The accomplishment and satisfaction that comes from writing a piece is always so gratifying.  It fulfills me.

I love my gift. I love that Alex knows me so well that this is something I would love.

Blog on...

Weekend Vibes

Ahhh Sunday night.  The dreaded countdown to Monday is happening, plans for the week orchestrating, taking deep breaths to prepare for preschool for the week (haha)...

But aren't Sundays the best? They don't ever feel as crazy as Saturday, even though it's still the weekend, right? I'd be lying if I said nine times out of 10 we are in jammies all day long, have no routine, have way too much screen time & junk food, and maybe if we are feelin' froggy after, of course, a Sunday nap we might go to the park or play outside.
I'm not much for football but I happen to love Sundays in particular during football season because Alex almost always smokes something delicious and there's yummy beers and snacks involved with Sunday night football....
My sister Legena came over Friday night to hang out for a bit. Cooper just absolutely loves his "geegee" so when she comes over it's always always the best. It's been so wonderful having her live so close by the last year or so. She really is my best friend.

Alex made winnnnngggggssssss *drool*.  I love his wings. I could seriously eat about 20...thousand of them. Oh and Harmon's cheeseballs? Yeah lets just go ahead and hashtag #reasonswhyImfat
Took Legena home, and came back to watch the Jazz lose...#gojazz
Playoffs are intense.

SATURDAYYYY aka Cinco De Mayo
We did much adulting.  Ready for this? We made a giant loop to South Jordan, Sandy, and Murray making...RETURNS on items!!

JC Penny
Target
Buy Buy Baby
DXL

This is what adulthood is like. You have returns. From multiple stores. You'll stockpile them and memorize return policies. And you actually return the items because, that's money!! I never thought I'd see the day. This is horrifying.

Came home, napped (obvi) and then we did what any culture appreciating American did and drank Mexican beer and had Mexican food.  But now that I think about it, we had Navajo tacos...Indian tacos? Indian Mexican? Okay apparently we didn't celebrate.
But James & Shantelle and the boys came over for tacos, and for haircuts and to color their hair.
Those boys are hilarious.
Kam & Josh finally let me give them a gentlemen's haircut and it looked amazing on them.  Josh had me bleach just the top of his hair...which apparently is 'in', and subsequently made him look like a YouTuber I've never heard of so the other boys and Alex called him "Josh Paul" the rest of the night.
#iDontgetit

Kam had me color his top part aqua. Which again, apparently made him look like a YouTuber I'd never heard of...

Anyway, I didn't get a picture of Nicks hair because honestly it turned out awful because he just wanted me to streak it blue and it just didn't look right. This morning we ended up painting the whole top of his hair blue. These boys crack me up.
They stayed the night, and had me watch some YouTube videos of some people they follow.  The only thing I kept thinking when watching these YouTubers that are appealing to such a young demographic (my nephews are 9, 11, and 13) is that my friends and I did videos or "vlog" type videos on our digital cameras all the time when we were teenagers/early adults. WHY DIDN'T WE CASH IN ON YOUTUBE FAME?!?!?!? Seriously! Talk about being five years too early for a trend. UGH!
It just wasn't a thing back then. People used YouTube to watch music videos or movie/tv clips and stuff.  I get a little salty about it because, not to brag, but with my immature early adulthood charm I would've been a YouTube sensation...probably because I was so ridiculous and pretentious. Facepalm. Maybe it's good I never had the opportunity. I would hate to have my stupidity documented in the interwebs. I'll stick to shaking my head when my Facebook "on this day" memories pop up and relive my shitty moments in private.

After they made me watch shitty youtube videos, I made them watch The Greatest Showman.  I can't even express how much I love this movie. Cooper even loves it. He asks for 'the circus movie' every day, and wants to listen to the soundtrack any chance he gets. We are two peas in a pod. I'm so happy he shares the same love for it as I do. Theater was something I always loved in Jr High and High School, but sort of fell away from once I started gaining a little more 'freedom' from my home life and could go out and mess around with friends. So watching this film reminds me of those days when I had parts in the school plays, and took theater in school as often as I could.

SUNDAY!!

I got to sleep in this morning.. SCORE! Frankie is a good little sleeper. She will wake up once a night usually and then go back to sleep til about 9-10am. She's incredible! The boys stayed the night so Alex got up with Cooper and made the boys waffles...when I woke up at 9:30 he said he made waffles and I was like YOU DID?!! Never even knew haha. It was so nice sleeping in. SO SO NICE.

Got up, Starbucks, did Nicks hair again, boys went home, Alex went to get a tattoo. Coop & Frankie and I hung out did lunch, naps, cleaned, and then when Alex came home he brought Legena and Arianna. I did Legena's hair and it turned out gorgeous! Alex made burgers for us, Cooper and Arianna played, and it just overall was a chill and relaxing day.

Nothing hip hop happnin about the weekend, but ya know what? It was amazing. I love simple. I love low key. I love no stress. I love when things just flow, and that's just what it did this weekend.  It flowed.

We are going to Grand Junction to Vanessa's graduation next weekend, and then I go back to work on the 15th. I'm excited to get back to work just to have a sense of alternate purpose than from being a mom! haha. Its been a glorious eight weeks with my kiddos, but I'm excited to get back to the grind.

Anywho, not much for a blog. Pretty non eventful, but going back and reading this in a few years I'll be glad I wrote about it and I know it will bring a smile to my face. Which is why I blog. It makes me smile.

Speaking of blogging making me smile...
My next post will be about what Alex did for me for an early Mother's Day, and how thoughtful it was.

BYE!

These are the days

I haven’t blogged in almost two years. So much has changed so much has stayed the same. I won’t try and cram it all into this latest blog post, but just for my own personal desires I want to start being more consistent with it. I went back and read some of my posts from 2011-2012 and felt so happy that I documented so much.  So I need to make time and make it a priority because honestly I have so much more to document now days with a 3yo, and a soon to be new baby girl!!

Today was such a beautiful day. Weather wise and family wise. I’ve missed taking Cooper outside to play in the front yard, waking to the park, going to daybreak, all that. I never considered myself to have seasonal depression but I definitely get cabin fever and start feeling anxious that I hate the routine in winter because it feels like we just sit and wait for the days to pass instead of making the most of them.

Cooper went to preschool this morning. He has been going for a couple months now and I’ll tell ya, drop off has been a struggle. He cries, gets anxious before we even go inside, starts asking to go home before he even gets out of the car, won’t eat breakfast, you name it. It’s just so hard. But once I leave he’s good after about 5 minutes and forgets all about me til I pick him up.
Today Alex took him, and surprisingly enough when he saw his teacher at the entrance of the school he grabbed her hand and willingly went to class. WHAT?! Who are you and what did you do with my child?! Teacher was even so impressed. So we will see if he does the same this Wednesday when I take him. Fingers crossed!!

After we picked him up he came home and napped since daylight savings spring forward has kind of messed up his schedule, haha. And when he woke up we played outside in the yard with puzzles, chalk, and cars. It was so nice to just sit and relax with him.
Then I figured hey it’s nice enough, and I could use some waking to help induce labor (haha) let’s go to daybreak!! So I asked coop if he wanted to go feed the ducks and he said “yes! Let’s go!” So we loaded up his bike, dad grabbed some old tortillas to feed em, and we spent about an hour playing with the ducks and waking around the lake. It was so fun. It is amazing what a difference a year or a season or two can make for a kid. We were at daybreak almost every day last spring and summer and cooper always loved it and was so good but this time was a whole new adventure. It was the first time we’ve gone “this year” and he was just so into it. Talking to the ducks, loved feeding them, loved riding his bike, listened and didn’t run off, just amazing. I am so dang proud of the progress he’s made.

After that I was still wanting to walk...so we went to Ikea to get some stuff for Frankie’s room. Coop got his ice cream cone and Swedish fish he loves so much, and we did a lap around the store and went home.

The boys played legos (as they do all the time!) while I worked, and it was just wonderful to listen to them hang out and talk downstairs while I hammered out my stuff upstairs.

I just love days like today. Everything was so perfect from start to finish. Nothing but smiles and laughter. It’s not like this every day, but pretty dang close.

Feeling so blessed. I get sad and a little scared thinking our days as a family of three are numbered. It’s been us for just so long. A lifetime it feels. But I know once Frankie gets here it’s going to feel like she’s always been a part of it. I can’t wait.

Inconceivable ;)

Cooper got his 15 month shots today :( this was the worst reaction he has ever had to shots. It's 11:44 as I write this and he just went to bed 35 minutes ago. So just let that signify how rough of a night he had. 

He fell asleep in my arms. He's such a busy boy. I rock him to sleep most nights in his room (crib sleeping is a thing now, yay!) but tonight for him to just fall asleep facing forward in my arms.....it was just one of those moments. 

One of those moments you never want to end. 

One of those moments that stay engrained in your mind forever. 

One of those moments you wish you could repeat every night. 

Every moment is that way with my coops. But this moment was just different. Probably because he struggled so much and he rarely struggles to go to sleep. So when he finally did it was one of those moments. 

It also got me thinking about how I was told by my mom that Drs told her I would never be able to have babies. My appendix ruptured when I was eight years old. And when that happens you want to have surgery immediately. 

My mom, being the busy widowed mom she was, I imagine just was thinking I had the flu. It wasn't until a few days of throwing up and being ghost white that we went to the hospital. I remember my mothers friend carrying me into the hospital in both arms because I had no strength to move. 

They did tests and nothing came back that anything was wrong with me. Clearly there was so they did exploratory surgery and found my appendix had burst. 

Having burst, all the toxins and poisons from the rupture potentially affected my reproductive organs, damaging them permanently. 

I never knew about that last bit until I was 18 years old. My mom told me after Alex and I had gotten engaged. 

I was young so I wasn't thinking about babies, but I knew I wanted them. And we had talked about it just a few months prior. I was heart broken. 

I never got checked out but when I was about 22 my gynecologist said if I was regular then that means my stuff is worming fine and not to worry. 

It took six months to conceive coopman. Which I realize is not long, but each month that went by I felt more and more summoned to a life without babies. 

So, I go back to tonight....holding my 'inconceivable' baby(toddler) in my arms. Feeling so blessed. I am the luckiest momma. 

Growth

My time hop app, which is an app that brings up memories you posted on the same day years prior, comes up with some pretty interesting things sometimes. Lately it's the posts from 3-4 years ago that are just mind blowing to me.

I say mind blowing because it's just bizzaro to me what a different person I was back then. 

Part of this blog might be depressing. But I swear it's positive at the end.

Let me start by saying Cooper has changed my life. I know, every parent says that. And if you're not a parent yet, I know you hear it all the time..."kids change you." But let's be honest, if you don't have kids and people say that to you, you nod and as enthusiastically say, "mmmhmmmm oh I bet" when really you have no idea what they mean. I'm not saying you can't grasp the depth of love if you don't have kids. But the change. You don't understand the change it does to you until it happens. 

Before I became a mom my life revolved around very little. I had very low self esteem, but oddly enough I was extremely outgoing. I had this desperate need to be accepted. My self worth was defined by having people like me and I would go to almost any extreme to get people to like me. It was pathetic. 

I think of the people who I wanted acceptance from, but had no problem back biting them if it meant getting acceptance from someone else. I think about those people so much, and feel so much guilt. Hindsight, some of those people weren't the greatest of people to me either, but it it looking back I am ashamed that I ever acted that way.

That disclosed information aside. 
I can't help but think my biggest crime was pretending to be someone I wasn't. 

I wish I could tell those people I'm sorry. Honestly, I'm sure not many of them would care. They are at points in their lives where they are cleaning out the trash. And I hold no hard feelings to them. I admire their self respect to rid themselves of people who weren't genuine with them. Because that was me.

Fast forward now, I am still friends with more people from that time of my life than I am not. It's not like I was a walking shitty person to everyone I knew, but those people who didn't love and accept me right away got the most un-authentic me imaginable. Because I was so scared of not being accepted by them. It was almost like, "Let me be who YOU want me to be so you like me". It's almost heartbreaking as I write it. 

I guess I'm just grateful for growth. I'm grateful for second chances, and the ability to change into a better person. I'll never hate who I was, because "hate" keeps you stuck. I will have compassion and understanding, and make sure I always remember that girl, so I can remind myself of why I don't want to be like that again.

"It's hard to be true to yourself, especially when everyone is watching." One of my favorite quotes ever by Dave Chappelle. I'll spend the rest of my life fighting the battle of being true to myself, but I know it's a battle I'm determined to always win.