Speaking of irony...

Paul walker died last weekend in a car accident. Heartbroken...

But I started thinking this morning that I want to die with some sort of irony like that. 

John Denver did the same thing. Leaving on a jet plane and never coming back. Literally, he did that. 

What a cool way to go out with such irony?! 

Now listening to : Ironic by alanis morrisette 

Mr. Play It Safe was afraid to fly
He packed his suitcase and kissed his kids goodbye
He waited his whole damn life to take that flight
And as the plane crashed down he thought
Well, isn't this nice
And isn't it ironic
Don't you think?

Music to my ears

I'm listening to so much music lately. Really listening to it! Something about listening to songs through earphones while relaxing is so meditating for me. I usually only listen when I'm working out or getting ready in the morning.

It's interesting how much more I enjoy it when I'm just relaxing. Never Coldplay though. Never ever. 

I'm loving Sunny and 75 by Joe Nichols - like I have probably listened to it 12 times today. And the irony is that it's been snowing like a mother fucker all day. I'm in denial. Clearly.

Speaking of irony....

Connection Marketplace

Lance and I were talking the other day about how crucial it is in our lives to build connections with those we interact with the most, and how it significantly impacts our functionality if we don't.  I was listening to him talk about his dilemma of having a difficult time making a connection with a coworker whom he has to interact with everyday.  He wasn't bitching, or gossiping, he was genuinely distraught over it!  Like to the point that he's considering asking for a move just so he can feel comfortable in his working environment. I'm the same way, when I don't connect with someone I'm really bothered by it! Like, REALLY bothered!! I'm able to connect with just about anyone I meet with ease.  It's not hard for me to talk to 'the weird' person, or 'the quiet' person. And when I talk and ask questions, I'm genuine.  It's not fake just to be nosey.  I'm a people person.  That's what I love about working at the ballpark is I can talk to anyone, perfect strangers, and its normal because its my JOB!!
Anyway, later that evening Alex and I were talking about it but we extended the conversation.
It got me thinking about how important that really is for a typical person.
When we are in our inner circle of people we interact with on the daily, I believe it's important for us to connect and build relationships with them.  Not saying you have to get along with every person you meet, and be chummy with someone who has a different personality.  Recognizing personality differences and building a base connection with someone are two different things.
When we build a base connection with someone it is the foundation.  After that, comes friendship, after that there is trust. I think before you get to the trust level you'll know whether or not you have a personality difference with the person.  But being kind and cordial with one another ISNT HARD!! EVEN IF there is a personality difference.
How do you force it if it isnt there though?  Is it that the other person isn't giving that same base effort? Why wouldn't they? We don't have to be best friends, but what is so unhealthy about building relationships with one another? It's not hard.
We are all living. Co existing. Cohabiting. On the same earth. We breathe the same air, have things we love more than anything, have memories that make us smile, and have memories that make us cry.  We don't have to have 9 out of 10 things in common to build a relationship or connection with each other.  We just have to give a little.
Maybe that will help with building those connections.  Understanding that they dont fully understand the importance just yet. I'll keep doing what I'm doing. History tells me, they come around in time with a little consistency. I don't get scared off by the first cold shoulder or brush off.  I wouldn't have some of the greatest connections I have today if I let that bother me.   I think I'm in the market for some new connections!!

Sometimes, opposites attract.

Time goes by

I can't believe it's November. I miss summer so much already!! 

Yesterday we took Arianna trick or treating and she had so much fun! She went as tinker bell, and was obsessed with her wings. Her class had a little Halloween party so she got to dress up there too! 

There were some cool set ups at the trunk or treat at the church we went to. One there was a big box and someone was underneath it and would stick ther hand out and give candy. The hand was scary looking like red and had claws. Arianna bent down on the ground, tried to look inside the hole and said "trick or treat! Open up!" And knocked on the box!! It was so funny!! Then these people had a fake spider that would drop down from their hatch of the car when people approached it - I don't think I've ever legitimately heard arianna scream in fear, but she did when it dropped down on her!! It was SO HILARIOUS!! she didn't cry, she just screamed like a girl in a movie. 

Then of course she loved handing out the candy. I think she loves that more than getting the candy. I love her so much. I can't believe I get to be a part of her life. 

 

At work, amber and I went as salt and pepper. Not the band. The seasoning. A couple of people went as Wayne and Garth from Wayne's world. Best costumes!!!! Then peters dad went as Walter white from breaking bad. OMG Looked just like him!!! I couldn't find him to get a pic, but holy hell. So funny. 

Then a man dressed as a fcked up Uncle Sam came down for a photo op. He asked for money, a few trillion dollars. Hahaha politics at work...awkward. 

He kinda looks like dr house too I think. 

Work has been so crazy it was nice to have a fun day like yesterday. I think there should be a costume day once a month!! Everyone was LOL'ing all day!! 

More overtime tomorrow for me. Yay. I'm feeling tired. My life was so much less stressful when all I had to worry about was st likes group exceptions. Medicare makes me /wrists all day. Lol. Been doing OEV calls and banking some OT for the holidays. I figure they won't be offering overtime forever so I might as well take advantage of it now. 

So Saturday shift it is. 

NOVEMBER!!!!!!!!!?  

A Forever Love Story

My sweet uncle Allen passed away this past Tuesday. A couple months ago I posted about the death of my aunt Lisa - Allen is her husband. They are saying he died of a heart attack, and so I'm wondering if it truly is possible to die of a broken heart. Lisa was the love of his life and he really had no one else in the world who would ever bring him fulfillment and life the way she did. He was always the man who cared so much about everyone and wanted them to know they had a place with him always. He didn't have much to give but he had plenty of love and that was always enough for me. I went back and read some of the exchanges we had on Facebook this past weekend and cried because now I wish I would've tried harder to let him know how much he was loved. He believed no one else could love him and that he was alone. That's what breaks my heart about his death. That he died alone, emotionally and physically. 

What keeps my heart filled with joy is knowing he is with Lisa and now he doesn't have to worry about anything. I can only imagine the reunion they had when he went home. The love story continues. 

^ Allen and Lisa. 

Rest in peace. Love you uncle Allen :) 

I want a raise.

I just realized I'm extremely underpaid for how much of a workload I have. Like many other housewives/moms out there, I put in way more than 40 hours a week at the office. On top of overtime AT the office, I go directly to a 2nd job right after I'm done there. 

Job responsibilities include:

Walking the dogs 

Dishes

Cleaning up after the other human I live with 

Shampooing carpets

Sorting and throwing away stacked mail

Dusting my BLACK furniture. If you've ever had black furniture you know why I capitalized black. 

Laundry 

Folding laundry 

Litter box

Trash

Feeding and watering animals

Other misc duties. 

Occasionally someone might fill in for me on one or two of the duties, but it's rare and doesn't come without some sort of begging. Granted the other human does the cooking, but no cleaning up after himself. Ever. Anytime. My workload > than his ANYTIME. 

I hate that job! But I can't quit. And the worst part? I can't even stay behind it long enough to enjoy it. And I don't even have kids!! 

I don't suppose it would be so bad if I had a willing assistant. Maybe I should get a maid? But then I have to pay her. WHY ISNT ANYONE PAYING ME!?

Let's talk about my emotional workload. I have a husband who I love, and that's easy. Never a chore. But then I have a crazy family who is constantly texting me and dumping all their problems on me. No, they're not venting. It's a constant complaining or "come fix my problems" type of thing. Sad part is they know ill never say no, and I'm too emotionally invested in them to not care when they need something. 

I wish I could do my volunteer work I used to do. AKA THE GYM. but my time is limited, and when I do have time, there's something at my 2nd job at home that needs to be done. 

I'm not trying to bitch and moan. But when I come home today after working a 12 hour shift, workout, and make sure all is tidy before bed.....last thing I want to do is clean up after the dogs. Or clean up after the cat. But I can't relax until it's done. My cohabitating partner has no problem with it tho. Maybe I'll ask him how he does it. How does he not care? Is it because he knows ill do it? I'm tired damnit I WANT TO GO TO BED! 

Like I said, I KNOW there are other mommies and wives out there who's workload is far heavier than mine. Do you think they have a drinking problem?, 

My other question is.....

 When the fuck do I get to clock out!?! 

Something good in everyday

Yesterday we went to the Crazy Corn Maze!! Alex suggested that he and I just go but I can never feel completely comfortable going out for something like this without Arianna with us. 

When we got there the first thing she saw  was the ponies that you could ride! I told her we could ride a pony after we did the maze and she was good with that surprisingly. Well we got about 5 min into the maze and that's when the meltdowns started. "WE'RE LOST!!" over and over again, throwing herself on the ground, crying over broken corn, just your typical melt down. I could get her to calm down for 3-4 min at a time if I told her we were looking for treasure and handed her the map. If that didn't work the pony ride was the next best incentive. It worked too. Not gonna lie the end of the maze couldn't come fast enough for her or me!! She was happy to get her first pony ride. And said yeehaw more times than I can remember :) 

The sad part is the effects of the meltdown lasted the rest of the day. We went to dinner with Cody and Tasha who she loves and was completely overstimulated the whole time. She wasn't necessarily having a meltdown at the restaurant but she was jumping on her seat, threw her drink, dumped fry sauce out intentionally, and so on. She had a game on my phone that kept her semi preoccupied but there was just too much going on in the restaurant for her to really stay focused on it for long. Like i said she wasn't being horrible at the restaurant just a little too rowdy. She and I left early and waited for Alex in the car while he paid, and she didn't like that and cried the whole way home. 

Once we got to our house she found her iPad and sat down. I'm thinking whew maybe she will do some self soothing. Nope. That's when miss drama queen came out full force. Crying over the darkness of the iPad, crying because the dog was on her blanket, crying because she didn't want to poop in the potty. I got really short with Alex because I was frustrated and I felt bad but I can honestly say ariannas behavior was really getting to me. That never happens I'm usually pretty calm and stuff with her but last night I was just over it and got really frustrated. I hate that I was so overwhelmed and frustrated with her behavior. I feel like a bad caregiver when I get mad at her because I know a lot of it she doesn't do on purpose. I don't know what was so off about yesterday. We just put on a movie and layed down and went to bed shortly after all that. 

She woke up this morning at about 830 and was happy as a clam :) 

I posted this pic of her on Ariannas Army instagram and said "I wish there had been more smiles like this yesterday. I know that not everyday is going to be good, but at least there is something good in everyday."  Bad days are gonna happen not just for Arianna but for me too. And that's okay! 

Xo 

I crave a different kind of buzz...

Ok the past three weekends have been FAR better than any weekend I've had the past year. That includes when I went to Disneyland in May! I need to give a full breakdown of this for sure. 

I went to rangely,co to see my sister, niece and nephew 3 weekends ago. 

My niece Vanessa who is 14yo TODAY (happy birthday!) is super athletic. Don't know where she got it but she excels at every sport. It's amazing! I finally watched her play volleyball and omg what a great experience to see it. 

I played volleyball the weekend before with some co workers....ill just say these 8th graders made us look SO stupid!! These girls ROCK! They went on to win the championship last weekend...but I unfortunately wasn't there. I know all these girls will do great things but Vanessa is just so freakin cool I can't help but brag all day about her. My sweet little 11yo man Clarence is playing touch football and we were able to watch him play a little bit of one of his games too that same weekend. Little dude is such a football fanatic. Is in love with the 49ers (which he got from his fav uncle Alex!) and is super diehard about his fantasy football team. So cute listening to him talk about his 'picks' and if everyone else did theirs for that week. We started calling him 'The Mayor' too, because we went to dinner at a local restaurant in rangely and he knew EVERYONE! It was so funny! The place was packed and he knew at least one person at every table. Alex joked and said "you're like the mayor, you know everyone!" So we called him mayor all weekend. Such a fun time with them. I miss them so much!!

Same weekend, we went camping with Alex's mom just outside of rangely. Was good to see her and how she's been doing since she left slc to travel around utah and Colorado! we fished, drank, hiked, camped, and roasted fish heads. Vanessa and Clarence came with is the first day for a while and fished. The 3 of us got lazy and decided to sit in the hammock with sleeping bags (because did I mention it's monsoon season and FREEZING in CO?). We laughed and joked around but all three of us ended up falling asleep in the hammock all cuddled up together. Maybe 15 min, but was so sweet and fun to hang with my two first favorite people of my life :) 

After Alex and I hiked, I came back to camp and skinned and gutted a fish. Yep. Me. With my hands. Wasn't much left of him because I got a little crazy making sure his innards were out. But I can def say if I ever get stranded on an island I know how to gut a fish! 

Top left corner. Fish eggs!!!! Or, escargot as fancy people call it. EWWW!!!!!! Bottom right is the fish head I ended up roasting. I didn't make his tongue do that. It just happened as I was gutting him. Poor guy. 

Lookin like I gotta pee in the side pic. Oh weeelllll. This was our hike :) 

The next weekend!!! We went to Oktoberfest at snowbird. Again, cold. I don't do cold!!! EVVVVERRR!! It was fun tho. We took the tram up 11,000 feet to the top of snowbird mountain. We could see heber and salt lake from the tip top!! SO COOL!! I wondered the whole tram ride up tho what would happen if the tram fell. I wondered if I held my body in a strategically placed position the whole time if id be safe if we fell. Surely I wouldn't, but it made me feel a little better?? Haha!!! 

What a cutie pie I have. I know.

The next day I pumpkin painted with Arianna!!!! It was a super lazy day. I think all we did was paint pumpkins and sit on the couch and watch tv and play games on iPad. Not too bad if you ask me!! 

Here is her pumpkin experience 

 

So perfect right??

Arianna has also been skyping her bio mom the last few weekends. Been great for both of them :) Arianna likes talking to her and stays pretty engaged the whole time. She knows her as amanda, but that's it. She was so young when she left so that's what it'll have to stay for now. But I like to think she remembers amanda :) 

This last weekend was filled with witches and witches and monsters and roller coasters!! 

Friday night I went with some work friends to witches night out at gardener village. Was so fun. However there were some total bros there - sooo out of place. I said that I think they got confused and heard it was 'bitches night out' not witches....yikezzzz awkies! Was fun seeing my friends and some old ones I lost touch with :)

Came home in time to watch the dodgers in the 8th inning and lose in the 13th. This NLCS will be the death of me. They won today tho, so series is 3-2. BEST OF 7. 

Oh yeah I took a pic with spider man. I think he has a chubby in this pic don't you?! Also, I totally DIY'd this witch hat. So crafty. I know. 

Sunday Arianna Alex And I went to lagoon FRIGHTMARES!!! With Jessi and her family. It was so fun arianna loves bryndee and Brighton. She also has a huge fascination lately with roller coasters so lagoon was a perfect day out for her. We got rained out but had a good 3 hours riding rides and going through haunt houses and haystack mazes. She's so cool and did amazing!! Mom has been moving this week so it was good to get baby girl out for some fun with her friends. 

Arianna is the bee in the pic above. She kept looking down because she wanted to see what animal she was. So precious!!!

On an unrelated weekend note.....

Last weekend arianna broke barbies arm in half. I took it tonight from her house and told her id take Barbie to the dr. 

It's like I was crafting. But a Barbie cast!!!

Then get this next pic... I facetimed Arianna after I fixed it and showed her barbies new cast. And her smile (chocolate covered) was priceless!!!

My life can't be any better. I am the happiest girl alive!!!

Life and Death

Last night my sweet aunt Lisa was called home by The Lord. Very unexpected (but death never is), and so as anyone can imagine my mom is taking the death of her baby sister pretty hard. Lisa was a kind, loving, southern belle, charming woman who could infect anyone with her laughter and love of life. I was speeding down the freeway to my moms going much faster than I should have been last night after I heard the news, and I could hear her like a little jiminey cricket on my shoulder, "Anna Kaye you slow down right now!!" :) I smiled because I know she can give a stiff talkin to when needed. 

Something very eye opening happened once I got to my moms...I saw lights on, so I knew someone was up. When I saw my mom I could tell immediately she knew what had happened. She froze and cried. At a loss for words we sat on the couch and I just held her as she sobbed. I've never felt such an overwhelming need to hold my moms head and kiss her forehead telling her it will be ok. We haven't had that kind of relationship in years. But it was interesting to me how easily it came for me to comfort her. It got me thinking about how as you get older the parental/child role can switch. 

A very beautiful thing happened not even 24 hours later. My baby niece, Jazmine Kaylee Hill, was born!! 

Life is funny like that sometimes. One angel called home, and another angel is born. So amazing. 

God is so great 

Lisa top right 

Lovesick

“Some people live their lives as if each day will be their last. Some approach love the same way, in a desperate attempt to outrun the tiny changes

or huge ones that are always looming on each of our horizons. But the sense of urgency that comes from wanting to experience life and love to the

fullest can force decisions that are not always in your best interests or anyone else's, for that matter. In fact, sometimes facing the consequences of

your choices can be even worse than death. You may live only once, but you don't necessarily want it to feel like forever.” 

My take on 'Something Like Olivia'.

John Mayer put it out there a few months ago for fans to make a video for his song, 'Something like Olivia'. I mowed over the thought of how if i made a video and what it would be like. I don't think a typical 'man wishing he was with a taken woman' angle would be original at all. So my mind went here....and it became fun :) and now every time I hear this song I grin because I know what I imply the song to be meaning. 

I imagine a guy obsessing over a girl he "cannot" have because she is taken. 

But she is in fact stalking him without him knowing. So while he thinks of ways to get her to notice him, she secretly watches him leave his place a couple times a week to see where he goes so she can casually show up there at the same time. Causing him to become more obsessed with her.

Creepy right? I like creepy. 

http://youtu.be/izkqPdVAdL4

Vine?

Someone asked me last week if I was on vine. I replied, "like the street?" No...the app. And was promptly told me to go download it.
So giving into peer pressure, I did. And once I figured out what it was and howto use it....I'm obsessed with the concept. I haven't mastered it yet but anything that makes me feel like a 7 second super not as cool version of Jenna Marbles.....could become a new habit.
So, this should be good.

Heart of Life

I had the best Saturday with Arianna and Alex. We went to wheeler farm, where "old McDonald" was sang at least 15 times. Arianna had a great time and she behaved so well. There was a wedding, and a fundraising race going on so there was a lot of people but she stayed close and followed directions so well! There's little cottonwood creek at wheeler farm and when we would pass it she would say no stay away from the water it's dangerous. Thumbs up for her!!! Then all she wanted was to find a park with swings. We headed home and played at our playground for about 45 min - 40 of which were spent just on the swings. I kept asking her "do you want to get down?" "NOPE! I want to stay up!!" So we did. Then Alex came over and was pushing us. Arianna likes to make up songs just so she can sing any chance she gets. She started singing "a happy family Arianna and Alex and Anna swing a happy family!!" I melted. She's so innocent and perfect I am so so so so blessed to have such a beautiful person in my life!!!

The beginning of something great

Tonight was Autism Speaks night at the ballpark. I can't believe how incredibly blessed I am to have such an amazing group of people to come out and support this cause that means so much to me. And even MORE grateful how many people I don't know who came out to support the cause itself. I'm so touched! Alex took Arianna to the game and it was so special.
She saw me on the field with another honeybee doing some stuff pregame. I heard her all the way up in our section,"HI ANNA!!" after I waved to her. It was so precious!! After I left the field, Arianna kept asking Alex where I went. She said "Anna went home?!" Over and over. And was so sad! I saw them on the concourse in the 2nd inning, and she was crying. I walked up and she was so happy to see me!! Luckily I had some time until my next promotion, so I was able to hang out with her and calm her down. We got a balloon animal (flower) and went back to the seats. She played with the iPad so by the time I had to leave she was okay with it.
I went and got her later to do the 7th inning stretch with me on the dugout. She was hilarious. One fan was screaming and yelling at one of the players and she finally yelled back at him, "be QUIET!!" Hahahaha! She's so perfect. I'm so happy I had some great friends there to help Alex keep her entertained ;) (esp Tasha!)
I can't wait to see what this builds upon in the years to come for Autism Speaks.
Love everything about tonight.
Xoxo Anna.

The human heart

"The human heart is an organ that provides a continuous blood circulation through the cardiac cycle and is one of the most vital organs in the human body."


Funny. I thought it was just a storage unit for all my crazed feelings and passions.


xo annakaye

That awkward moment when.....

I don't post self-pity things. But last week I learned a valuable lesson about myself, and why it's important to trust my gut and heart.
Dave Chappelle said once in an interview with Oprah after he had left his show without warning and hid out in Africa or something for a year...he said, "It's hard to be true to yourself. Especially when everyone is watching." That quote has stuck with me ever since that interview 8-9 years ago.
I never wanted to be that girl who molds to what someone wanted me to be, or to act the way someone else wanted me to act. I let myself down in such a hard way last week by poor decisions but most importantly because I didn't listen to my heart.
Trust takes so long to build and only seconds to destroy. And I'm not just talking about trust with others. Trust with yourself too. Maybe that's what I am most upset with, is myself. Rather than the person who I feel betrayed by. I'm stuck in that moment. Hung up on broken promises.
But how much of this is really MY fault for not being true to me? Who REALLY is to blame for my situation? Thats the golden question.
-annakaye