38 Weeks and Feeling....

Third trimester has been a beast. I feel like I got REALLY pregnant at 30 weeks.  

Things are good - I do not have pre-eclampsia, just high blood pressure. Amniotic fluid was low at last weeks appointment, but went up significantly at this weeks appointment. Even though I want him here so bad, I don't want it to be because of health issues (did I say that in the last post?).  I want him to come when he's ready. I just want him to be ready, like...yesterday.

Anyway, I have done nothing but complain about how miserable I am the last few weeks. Yes, I am miserable, in pain, and cry everyday...but I know that this is an experience that has an ending with the most ultimate prize, and I really do understand that it's something to be grateful for. And I truly am. 

Even though typing that right now makes me cringe. 

I wanted to write out things I will miss, and things I will not miss about being pregnant.

Things I Will Not Miss

1. Having to pee 6 times during the night
2. Leg cramps that have made me fall out of bed, and cry out in desperation for them to stop
3. The pelvic pressure pain...oh I will NOT miss the pelvic pain
4. Walking like a t-rex everywhere I go
5. Having people tell me how "cute" my t-rex waddle is
6. Only having 6 shirts, and 3 pairs of pants that fit me
7. Needing help up off the couch, and getting out of bed
8. Toothpaste on the shirt
9. Walking past a mirror and (depending on my mood) having it ruin my day because I'm so huge
10. Waiting...forever waiting

Things I Will Miss

1. Knowing my baby is safe and sound inside my belly
2. Empathy from my friends and family regarding the things I will not miss
3. Being able to say "but, I'm pregnant..." to get out of things 
4. Sleeping whenever I want...zZzZzZ
5. Feeling my active baby wiggle and do backflips 
6. Planning/Nesting
7. Ice cream at 1am
8. My sweet husband reaching over while we are in the car, or laying in bed and rubbing or touching my belly
9. Mommy-to-be parking
10. Being able to blame 'pregnancy brain'

Each list could be longer.....but ya know, typing out each list makes me not feel so bad for myself anymore. I am a very self sufficient girl, and I don't like having other people do things for me...so feeling so pathetic that I can't even get out of bed without asking for help has been hard. But also humbling! So even the bad things have a silver lining. 

I have so much respect for women. If you asked me right now if I would ever get pregnant again I would tell you HELL NO, because of how hard this last trimester has been. 

I'm sure that after he is here, in my arms, I will forget all about the 'Things I Will Not Miss' list. 

I bet that it's something like the Men In Black will come out of no where and do the red flash pen in front of my eyes and I will forget all about the last 9 months, and I'll do it all over again in a few years. 

I can't wait for the sweet surreal feeling of holding our sweet baby...

I'm so impatient, but I know he will be worth the wait.

Moments.

We've just got a few more weeks until our little Cooper will make his grand entrance into our lives forever. 

My doctor appointment last week I was showing signs of preeclampsia. High blood pressure and protein in my urine. My doctor is wonderful and will do an ultrasound next week to see where we are, and if my symptoms are still there they will do other tests and see if they need to induce. As much as I want my little man here, I want it to be on his time and when he's ready. Not because of complications. I'm hoping my symptoms disappear and he will just come when he's ready. 

My hormones have been out of control the last few weeks. I cried over Christmas songs, gifts, news articles, when I yell at the dogs, and just about everything else.  But I just wanted to write about something that really got my tears flowing today. 

From the time in my pregnancy where I started to feel movement I have always wanted Alex to feel. He has felt Cooper move just a handful of times, and more recently he can actually see my stomach moving if we are sitting on the couch or something. He felt him have the hiccups the other day and he just laughed because it was so funny. I've loved it when he feels him. It's just about as real as it gets for him until Cooper actually gets here, and so it's just been very meaningful and important to me to have him experience feeling him from time to time. 

This morning I was giving Alex a ride to work and he said to me, "I was weird last night while you were sleeping. I just touched your belly for about 45 minutes."

He said Cooper was moving like crazy, and he just laid there and felt him. Not even weird! I don't like crying in front of Alex because I've been doing it so much, but after I dropped him off I lost it.  It was a moment I wish I had been awake for, but it was so special to me to feel like he just had a moment with Cooper. Just daddy and son. No prompting by me, no feeling of disappointment if he stopped moving. Just Alex being present in that moment and taking that in is such a sweet thought to me. I can't even explain it. 

I've always felt so safe with this man and I know there's nothing in the world he wouldn't do for me. He is going to be the best daddy ever. I never had any doubts. But it's moments like that that remind me of how lucky I am. And how lucky Cooper is. 

I love my boys so much. 

Uhhh the final countdown...?!

Has it really been almost 12 weeks since my last post?! What the heck. 

Time has not been "flying" as everyone has promised me. However, I am almost 32 weeks pregnant now and am so anxious to meet our little boy. 

I have had dreams of him lately, and when I wake up I have the saddest little cloud over my head because I am now awake and miss seeing him in my dreams. He kicks and rolls around in my belly though, to let me know he's not far at all :)

I had two baby showers. One my coworkers threw for me, and one for my family and other friends. They were both so amazing! I am so lucky to have such sweet coworkers, friends, and family to spoil me. 

We went and had our 3d ultrasound a couple weeks ago. We were there a total of 10 minutes before Cooper totally flipped and turned toward my spine so there was no chance of getting a shot of his face. We managed to get a couple, and then went back the next week and got a few more. 

I can't explain the feeling when I saw his face pop up on the screen. It was similar to when we first heard his little heartbeat. But this was so real. Seeing his face. His nose. His cheeks!! He's a person. And he's our person. I can't tell who he looks like because he's all squishy, but I can tell he has his daddy's cheeks. I've never been so in love. The ultrasound tech even says.....that he has HAIR!!!! I have been so stressed about him having hair. It's really stupid haha. 

My whole first trimester I wondered how I would ever bond with this baby. Or if I would ever be excited about him. I was so scared to love him because I was terrified that something would go wrong. I didn't want to be disappointed or sad so it seemed easier to not be excited. Things changed when I saw his heartbeat. But I think I felt the most attached and in love when I felt him start moving. I know what I feel is probably normal. But at the time I had so much guilt for not being as excited as I thought I should be. All because I was so scared. 

Looking back at the last 20 weeks or so, there's never been a sad or disappointing moment. Cooper could never do anything to disappoint me at this point. Even if things hadn't gone as well as they have been going. What a blessing being pregnant has been. What an honor that I get to be his mommy. Yeah, I can't wait to hold him in my arms, but I don't need him to be here for me to be completely smitten and in love. The next 8 weeks couldn't go by fast enough for me. But I keep my eye on the prize. I know he will be worth the wait. 

Cooper James. I love you. I'll see you soon baby boy. 

20 Week Update

Since I'm not a huge fan of my picture being taken right now, I definitely want to keep a record of how things are moving along every few weeks.  So I'll keep up (hopefully) by using the blog. 

Gender? Boy!!

Baby's heart-rate at last Dr appointment? 143

Cravings? None really. I need to always have something to drink though like lemonade or water. I should probably drink more water.....

New symptoms? I started getting really bad heartburn this week, only at night.  At first I didn't know what it was because I've never really had heartburn, but once I realized oh hey, this is heartburn, I have my little tums to save me :) 

Mood? Happy. I've gotten to a really good and knowing what I should/shouldn't waste my energy on, since I still get so tired so easily. So just being aware of that keeps me in a positive happy mood most of the time. 

Showing? Yes. I had a little excess before I got pregnant (booze) so I didn't think I'd really start showing until later, but the past 2-3 weeks I popped for sure. Even caved and bought some maternity shirts! I tried on all my clothes and got so annoyed because I was convinced they were shrinking...nope, this mama is just growing! 

(((P.S. Everything I read when I got pregnant said to not waste money on maternity clothes because you only wear them for a few weeks and they are expensive, but they are really the same price as anything else I would buy at Target, Gordmans, etc.  I also think, for me anyway, its important to still feel somewhat normal and confident while my body is doing a complete overhaul. I didn't feel confident when I would just buy shirts from the section I would normally shop while not pregnant, so even though I'll only wear them for a few months it already has been well worth the money I've spent.  Another idea: A girl I work with suggested going to look at thrift stores because so many women get rid of their gently used and sometimes really nice maternity clothes! I will for sure be checking those stores out soon.)))

How's Hubby? He's good, and very attentive. Gets jealous when I say I can feel baby moving all over the place, because he wants to feel him so bad! I haven't been able to have him feel my tummy and have Cooper move at the same time because the movements are so sporadic, but I'm sure it will happen soon :) 

Baby is as big as a....cantalope.

Why are we comparing babies to fruit, anyway?

 

Just Baby Love

Here we are at 19 weeks today! I'd like to say time is flying...but it's not! Ok lies. It kind of is. It's weird to think we are almost 1/2 way there. Almost there and only here at the same time. 

Moving got pushed to October 1st. Which is a bummer. But it alright. I have a lot of stuff already packed and stored away though because I thought we would be moved by now. Whoops. So I literally am wearing the same 2 pair of shoes for the next month...since all the other ones are packed. 

Most exciting thing that has happened recently is I have been able to feel baby Cooper (name reveal) move all the time! It is the most exciting and incredible feeling I've ever experienced. I love when he gets all active right at bed time like "hey hang out with me mom." Dude, I can hang all night with you. 

It's such a sweet subtle reminder too. I've been having a lot of struggle lately with some family issues (another blog another day), and heartbreak completely consumed me for a few days. But when I feel Cooper it's such a humbling and relieving feeling knowing he's there, and it's like he's reminding me to not be so sad. It's such a calming feeling knowing that no matter who is absent from my life now, that I have this little person who is so important and who is really depending on me. I can't control what my family chooses to do and how they act, but I can control where I put my energy. And Cooper reminds me that even though it's heartbreaking to have lost some of my family, that I have a family right here and he needs me. Arianna helps me with all this too. She still keeps me so grounded and I have sooooo much energy to focus on her as well. And she deserves it just as much as Cooper. 

I'm not saying that the "loss" of my family is replaceable because it's not, but I can't dwell and be devastated about these choices my family makes on their own when I have so much right in front of me to nurture. 

I'm so baby mode right now. I need to talk about my superstar Arianna!! She started 3rd grade last week. THIRD GRADE! What is happening?! It feels like just last week I was helping her take her first steps. She's so grown up. And she loves independence. Which is terrifying because she doesn't get that with independence comes responsibility and consequences for actions. But she learns. And I learn. And my mom learns. Sometimes it's the hard way....but we learn! She was so bored sitting at home all summer, so back to school was SUCH a big deal. 

We are in the process if tweaking her medication. Her meltdowns and tantrums are getting worse, and more severe because of her size. She is a little overweight for her age, but nothing that can't be gotten under control. So with her size, me being pregnant, and her tantrums it was just time to reevaluate. 

Here's a couple status updates that I should have blogged about. But screenshots will do :) 

And here's a super cute back to school pic. I am so in love with her. Sometimes I wonder how in the world ill be able to love cooper as much as I do her. But the feeling is just so much the same :) 

The only thing she asked for as far as back to school stuff goes was a hello kitty back pack and sketchers shoes. Easy enough for me!!! I'd give this honey anything she ever wanted even the moon. All she has to do is ask. 

14 weeks and counting

It still feels like I have forever and a half to go. But I'm 14 almost 15 weeks closer to meeting our babe. 

We went in for another ultrasound. So crazy to see how much bigger baby is now as opposed to our 9 week ultra sound (those pics are in my previous blog). 

I could see that pitter pattering heart fluttering on the screen. Literally see it working, beating, living inside of me. I saw baby's toes, from biggest to littlest. I saw baby's nose, spine, and brain. It was incredible. Seeing this human, a HUMAN, growing inside me. I feel like baby is doing all the work I'm just giving em a place to stay for the next few months. I love this human so much already, and am constantly thinking about him. 

Him.

Yep we also saw what makes him a him on the ultrasound too. I am beyond excited, but I am by surprised! I had a gut feeling that he would be a boy. 

That being said, it was only 14 weeks. Which is still super early to determine gender. We are holding off on telling people and buying anything until we get another confirmation at our 20 week appt in September. I'm so sure it's a boy, but better safe than sorry. 

Anyway the name struggle is real. I have some favs, but Alex is not a fan. We are learning a different kind of patience with each other because I want him to pick names with me, but he wants to give it time. It's frustrating for both of us. I laugh as I write this because while a name is a big deal it's so insignificant in the grand scheme of things. So I'm backing down and just keeping name ideas to myself for now. When alex is ready to talk about it maybe he will actually have some suggestions ;)

We are in the process of moving right now too. We are lucky enough to stay in the same complex we have been the past 2 years, but just moving to a 2 bedroom apartment rather than the townhome we are currently in. It will save some $$ but it's still big enough for us for now. 

The hard part about being in the middle of moving is that I can't do any of the "nesting" you hear about. I have no baby room to prep, nowhere to store baby furniture or clothes, etc. so that makes me feel like the worlds biggest procrastinator. I keep calm knowing in a month I will be able to start, and I will only be 4.5 months preggo so I have plenty of time. 

Most all of our friends and family know we are expecting at this point. They are so excited and supportive. It's so nice to have that. Alex and I have gone through a ton in our relationship, and so it's great to have friends and family who support us and share our excitement. 

Even though he's getting on my nerves about baby names, I am more in love with Alex than ever. He's so attentive to me, and is always willing to listen to me talk about anything (except names) when it comes to baby. 

If he is anything as a dad like he is a husband he is going to be the greatest one out there. 

I am one lucky woman. 

Never ready.

A few weeks ago we found out we are expecting our first baby. 

I never thought we would get to this point. We waited forever until we were "ready", but the truth is...I don't think anyone is ever ready. 

I wasn't ready to feel 10,000 emotions when I saw the positive pregnancy test. 

I wasn't ready to be in compete disbelief thinking nothing this amazing could ever happen to me. 

I wasn't ready to worry at every symptom, and lack of symptoms. 

I wasn't ready to constantly wonder if this baby is okay. 

When Alex and I went into our first appointment yesterday, 9 weeks, I braced myself for anything. The dr couldn't find a heartbeat with the Doppler. Which is normal when you're so early. She said they would see me again in 4 weeks and check again. 

My heart sank. How am I going to survive another 4 weeks without knowing if our baby is okay? Are all first time moms this paranoid? 

I asked her, "how do you know if something is wrong?" She said well you would bleed. I said,"well what if I don't? What if it just stopped growing? And I have to wait another month to find that out? Can't I just find out now?" 

....she says "fine we will get you an ultrasound."  

Yay! That's what I thought the first apt was for! Of course in a world where drs and hospitals are trying to keep healthcare costs low, she probably didn't want to do something unnecessary. Apparently my lack of symptoms was enough to warrant an ultrasound this early. 

Alex and I sat there, he held my hand. The ultrasound tech, of course super desensitized to how amazing this was for us, just said yep there's your baby moving around just fine. She moved the wand around really fast so it was hard to tell if it was moving but I took her word for it. 

What happened next I hope I'll remember for the rest of my life. She said "there's the heartbeat". Little lines going up and down on the screen really fast. Then she turned a knob on the machine, and we heard it. 

Our babies heartbeat. 

I started crying. Laughing. And crying. 

I looked over to Alex, and he was crying too. 

This is our baby. We certainly weren't prepared or ready to love something so much already. 

So when they say you're never ready, they're so right. 

I can't wait for the next 7 months and months and years after. It's so surreal that it's finally our turn. Our whole relationship of 10 years we've watched this exciting thing happen to so many other people. But this is our time. 

I've never been more in love with Alex, and I can't wait to see what an amazing daddy he will be. 

Forever starts now.