Never ready.

A few weeks ago we found out we are expecting our first baby. 

I never thought we would get to this point. We waited forever until we were "ready", but the truth is...I don't think anyone is ever ready. 

I wasn't ready to feel 10,000 emotions when I saw the positive pregnancy test. 

I wasn't ready to be in compete disbelief thinking nothing this amazing could ever happen to me. 

I wasn't ready to worry at every symptom, and lack of symptoms. 

I wasn't ready to constantly wonder if this baby is okay. 

When Alex and I went into our first appointment yesterday, 9 weeks, I braced myself for anything. The dr couldn't find a heartbeat with the Doppler. Which is normal when you're so early. She said they would see me again in 4 weeks and check again. 

My heart sank. How am I going to survive another 4 weeks without knowing if our baby is okay? Are all first time moms this paranoid? 

I asked her, "how do you know if something is wrong?" She said well you would bleed. I said,"well what if I don't? What if it just stopped growing? And I have to wait another month to find that out? Can't I just find out now?" 

....she says "fine we will get you an ultrasound."  

Yay! That's what I thought the first apt was for! Of course in a world where drs and hospitals are trying to keep healthcare costs low, she probably didn't want to do something unnecessary. Apparently my lack of symptoms was enough to warrant an ultrasound this early. 

Alex and I sat there, he held my hand. The ultrasound tech, of course super desensitized to how amazing this was for us, just said yep there's your baby moving around just fine. She moved the wand around really fast so it was hard to tell if it was moving but I took her word for it. 

What happened next I hope I'll remember for the rest of my life. She said "there's the heartbeat". Little lines going up and down on the screen really fast. Then she turned a knob on the machine, and we heard it. 

Our babies heartbeat. 

I started crying. Laughing. And crying. 

I looked over to Alex, and he was crying too. 

This is our baby. We certainly weren't prepared or ready to love something so much already. 

So when they say you're never ready, they're so right. 

I can't wait for the next 7 months and months and years after. It's so surreal that it's finally our turn. Our whole relationship of 10 years we've watched this exciting thing happen to so many other people. But this is our time. 

I've never been more in love with Alex, and I can't wait to see what an amazing daddy he will be. 

Forever starts now.