The firsts.

Tonight I started to feel nostalgic. Missing "the firsts" of my relationship with Alex. I was thinking about the first date I had with Alex. The first kiss. The first cuddle. The first time we said 'I love you'. The first camp out. The first sleepover. The first apartment. 

Anyway...I started to get so sad thinking I would never have those firsts again because we are over 11 years into our relationship. 

But just as I started to think that...I realized something so amazing. So eye opening.

 

I remembered the first time we decided to try and have a baby. The first time we found out we were going to HAVE a baby. 

The first time we heard our baby's heartbeat. 

The first time we saw that he was a he.

The first time we saw his little toes and fingers on the ultrasound. 

The first time we went to the labor and delivery center because it was time.  

The first time we saw our baby boy after he made his entrance into the world. 

The first time he grabbed our fingers. 

The first time we brought him home.

The first sleepless night we had as new parents. 

The first time we packed away newborn clothes, because our baby was too big for them. 

The first time we saw him smile.

The first time we heard him laugh. 

The first time we saw him roll over. 

The first time we saw him hold a bottle.

The first time we left him with someone so we could go out. 

The first time he sat in his stroller. 

The first time he sat up by himself. 

The first time he ate sweet potatoes, and didn't really like them.

The first time he leaned in with his arms wide open to give his daddy a hug.

My God. There are so many first times that are going to happen. So many first times that will be just as beautiful as the last "first time".  

His first words. His first steps. His first day of school. His first sleepover. His first baseball game. His first scraped knee. His first loss. His first win. All the way up to first dance and first love.  

It's normal to remember the first times. To long for them. To ache for them. 

But to think of all the 'first times' I'm going to have with Alex and Cooper...just blows my mind. I'm the luckiest girl in the world to have them. I can't wait (oh, but I can) to see what other firsts are in store. 

The birth story.

Cooper James MacLean was born on his due date of Thursday, January 29th 2015 at 10:33PM. He was 8lbs 11oz, and 21.5 inches long.

I woke up early, and took Alex to work. I went home and started finishing some of the last of the baby laundry. Everything was normal. I hadn't had any braxton hicks, or major back pain all morning. When I went to the bathroom I felt like I had pee'd my pants, but I definitely didn't pee my pants. I text Alex and said "so I think my water just broke?" And he replied, "no way..."

I always expected it to be more, but I had lower fluid at some of my previous dr appts so I didn't really know. So I went and picked Alex up and we headed to Alta View Labor and Delivery.

We got there at around 10:50AM, and they sent me to a room to change and the nurse came in to check and see if I was dilated and if my water had really broken.  She checked and I was dilated 2cm (I was 1/2 a cm at my dr appt a week before), but she said my water did not break. She put some monitors on my stomach to monitor baby's heart, and contractions. She was going to monitor me for a few minutes, but then send us on our way since my water hadn't broke. I was a little disappointed, but oh well.

About 10 min after she checked me, I felt gushes of fluid coming out, soaking the bed. I panicked. I immediately hit the nurse button. I hate those things. I never know how to use it. Like it feels like I'm at a drive thru..."Can I help you?" "Uh. Can the nurse come back? Something just happened to the bed...?" I was scared because she had literally just told me that my water hadn't broken, so if my water hadn't broken what the hell just happened on the bed?! Nurse came in and I was crying. She was kind of annoyed and was like "why are you crying? does it hurt?" I said "no it doesnt hurt but you just told me my water didnt break so....this is kind of f*cking alarming to me." 

She helped me up, looked at the bed and said "oh yeah, your water just broke."  Alex says, "So does that mean we are having a baby today?" Nurse said "yep, having a baby today!"

So since I wasn't contracting, or dilating, but my water broke, they had to induce me. They started my Pitocin drip at about 1:00PM, and my Dr came in at around 2:00PM to see how things were going. My Dr doesn't work on Thursdays, so I was surprised to see him. But I guess that's why he is paid the big bucks, haha. He checked me and I was dilated 4cm, and predicted I would have our baby at around 10pm-11pm and he would check back in on me later that evening.

I had the sweetest nurse (a different one from the one who we saw when we got there), her name was Heather. She checked me and watched me until shift change at 7pm. Then Heidi came in and took over. I was dilating quick, like 2cm an hour or so. By 6:30 I was dilated to a 10, so I was ready to push. Heidi called my dr and he said he couldn't be back to the hospital til later, so to slow my Pitocin drip and let me 'relax and descend' for a couple hours. Heidi said that by me 'relaxing and descending' it would make for a very easy delivery, because it allowed baby to go down the birth canal more before we pushed, so when the time came for pushing it wouldn't take much pushing to get him out.....LOL YEAH RIGHT.

I started pushing at about 8pm. Pushed for 30 second at a time, about every 5 min. Then we pushed every 3 min as contractions got closer together. I would push, and it would seem like everything was progressing, but then the baby would go back to the position he was in before I started pushing. I was exhausted by 9pm only 1hr of pushing. My epidural meds wore off (I had gotten the epidural early like 2pm).  So while they called the anesthesiologist to redo the meds, I had about 20 min of contractions and labor without medication. It was horrible. I have so much respect for people who do it naturally. That was the longest 20 min of my life!! But it kicked in and all was well, and back to pushing.

My dr showed up at 10:10PM, checked me out and said I had done so much pushing I was starting to bruise. And the baby was still in that same position he was in 4 hours before....
Turns out the baby was sideways, so anytime I would push he couldn't truly descend since he was kinked in there all weird and sideways.  Dr went over options with me. Said we could use vacuum or forceps. If we use the vacuum, theres a chance that it will lose suction, and if it loses suction more than 3 times they have to do a c-section. They could use forceps, but if he couldn't get a good grip on his head, they would have to do a c-section. They couldn't do both vacuum and forceps, it was one or the other. He seemed most confident with forceps so we went that route.

The next 20 minutes felt like hours...and I'm really not being dramatic with how intense those minutes felt to me. 

My dr would have to try and flip him during my contractions while I pushed so it was up to me to give him that window of opportunity. It took about 5 min, but he successfully turned the baby, and now we could deliver him with a few more pushes. At this point, I was almost 2.5 hrs of pushing, and most of it was all for nothing so I had almost no energy....I felt so weak and hurt so much I had no idea how I was going to get a few more pushes out of this. But I needed to do it for baby.
After every contraction and push, everyone in the room would stop, and look at the heart monitor....baby's heart rate was dropping after every contraction. They would all stare at the monitor waiting for it to go back up, which it did each time. They could see the fear and concern in mine and Alexs faces and they would assure us that it was all ok. 

A couple minutes later right before my next contraction my dr stopped, looked me in the eyes and said "Anna, you have to get this baby out...he's not doing good, he doesn't like this. You have to push, or we're going into surgery."
The baby was in distress from all the pushing, and the forceps. It was all starting to really affect him. 
It's incredible how quick it went from ME being in labor, ME having to push, ME trying to deliver this baby...to this is about Cooper. This is about getting this baby, this human life, here safe.
I've never in my life been more motivated and determined to do something. I was terrified, but I looked to my right over at Alex (who never left my side), and through his tears and fear he just held my hand and told me, "you got this babe..."
Two more pushes, and there he was. On my chest, wide eyed and crying.
I'll never forget those next few minutes. Looking our baby in the eyes and telling him how proud I was of him. The first thing I remember saying to him was "I am so happy you're here...you did so good..." Watching Alex cut the cord, watching them do his measurements and cleaning him off I couldn't see him but I could see Alex. He was so proud. He kept looking over at me mouthing, "He's perfect...He's so beautiful." Alex was crying and couldn't stop smiling. Thelong awaited arrival of our baby had finally come. 

Time literally stood still for me for those few minutes, and in a way I wish they could have lasted forever. In life there are very few moments that are considered "life changing"...becoming a mother tops the list for me. 

Cooper made me a mommy. Made Alex a daddy. Made Alex and me parents. A title and role we will have forever. 

How incredible is that?

38 Weeks and Feeling....

Third trimester has been a beast. I feel like I got REALLY pregnant at 30 weeks.  

Things are good - I do not have pre-eclampsia, just high blood pressure. Amniotic fluid was low at last weeks appointment, but went up significantly at this weeks appointment. Even though I want him here so bad, I don't want it to be because of health issues (did I say that in the last post?).  I want him to come when he's ready. I just want him to be ready, like...yesterday.

Anyway, I have done nothing but complain about how miserable I am the last few weeks. Yes, I am miserable, in pain, and cry everyday...but I know that this is an experience that has an ending with the most ultimate prize, and I really do understand that it's something to be grateful for. And I truly am. 

Even though typing that right now makes me cringe. 

I wanted to write out things I will miss, and things I will not miss about being pregnant.

Things I Will Not Miss

1. Having to pee 6 times during the night
2. Leg cramps that have made me fall out of bed, and cry out in desperation for them to stop
3. The pelvic pressure pain...oh I will NOT miss the pelvic pain
4. Walking like a t-rex everywhere I go
5. Having people tell me how "cute" my t-rex waddle is
6. Only having 6 shirts, and 3 pairs of pants that fit me
7. Needing help up off the couch, and getting out of bed
8. Toothpaste on the shirt
9. Walking past a mirror and (depending on my mood) having it ruin my day because I'm so huge
10. Waiting...forever waiting

Things I Will Miss

1. Knowing my baby is safe and sound inside my belly
2. Empathy from my friends and family regarding the things I will not miss
3. Being able to say "but, I'm pregnant..." to get out of things 
4. Sleeping whenever I want...zZzZzZ
5. Feeling my active baby wiggle and do backflips 
6. Planning/Nesting
7. Ice cream at 1am
8. My sweet husband reaching over while we are in the car, or laying in bed and rubbing or touching my belly
9. Mommy-to-be parking
10. Being able to blame 'pregnancy brain'

Each list could be longer.....but ya know, typing out each list makes me not feel so bad for myself anymore. I am a very self sufficient girl, and I don't like having other people do things for me...so feeling so pathetic that I can't even get out of bed without asking for help has been hard. But also humbling! So even the bad things have a silver lining. 

I have so much respect for women. If you asked me right now if I would ever get pregnant again I would tell you HELL NO, because of how hard this last trimester has been. 

I'm sure that after he is here, in my arms, I will forget all about the 'Things I Will Not Miss' list. 

I bet that it's something like the Men In Black will come out of no where and do the red flash pen in front of my eyes and I will forget all about the last 9 months, and I'll do it all over again in a few years. 

I can't wait for the sweet surreal feeling of holding our sweet baby...

I'm so impatient, but I know he will be worth the wait.

Moments.

We've just got a few more weeks until our little Cooper will make his grand entrance into our lives forever. 

My doctor appointment last week I was showing signs of preeclampsia. High blood pressure and protein in my urine. My doctor is wonderful and will do an ultrasound next week to see where we are, and if my symptoms are still there they will do other tests and see if they need to induce. As much as I want my little man here, I want it to be on his time and when he's ready. Not because of complications. I'm hoping my symptoms disappear and he will just come when he's ready. 

My hormones have been out of control the last few weeks. I cried over Christmas songs, gifts, news articles, when I yell at the dogs, and just about everything else.  But I just wanted to write about something that really got my tears flowing today. 

From the time in my pregnancy where I started to feel movement I have always wanted Alex to feel. He has felt Cooper move just a handful of times, and more recently he can actually see my stomach moving if we are sitting on the couch or something. He felt him have the hiccups the other day and he just laughed because it was so funny. I've loved it when he feels him. It's just about as real as it gets for him until Cooper actually gets here, and so it's just been very meaningful and important to me to have him experience feeling him from time to time. 

This morning I was giving Alex a ride to work and he said to me, "I was weird last night while you were sleeping. I just touched your belly for about 45 minutes."

He said Cooper was moving like crazy, and he just laid there and felt him. Not even weird! I don't like crying in front of Alex because I've been doing it so much, but after I dropped him off I lost it.  It was a moment I wish I had been awake for, but it was so special to me to feel like he just had a moment with Cooper. Just daddy and son. No prompting by me, no feeling of disappointment if he stopped moving. Just Alex being present in that moment and taking that in is such a sweet thought to me. I can't even explain it. 

I've always felt so safe with this man and I know there's nothing in the world he wouldn't do for me. He is going to be the best daddy ever. I never had any doubts. But it's moments like that that remind me of how lucky I am. And how lucky Cooper is. 

I love my boys so much. 

Uhhh the final countdown...?!

Has it really been almost 12 weeks since my last post?! What the heck. 

Time has not been "flying" as everyone has promised me. However, I am almost 32 weeks pregnant now and am so anxious to meet our little boy. 

I have had dreams of him lately, and when I wake up I have the saddest little cloud over my head because I am now awake and miss seeing him in my dreams. He kicks and rolls around in my belly though, to let me know he's not far at all :)

I had two baby showers. One my coworkers threw for me, and one for my family and other friends. They were both so amazing! I am so lucky to have such sweet coworkers, friends, and family to spoil me. 

We went and had our 3d ultrasound a couple weeks ago. We were there a total of 10 minutes before Cooper totally flipped and turned toward my spine so there was no chance of getting a shot of his face. We managed to get a couple, and then went back the next week and got a few more. 

I can't explain the feeling when I saw his face pop up on the screen. It was similar to when we first heard his little heartbeat. But this was so real. Seeing his face. His nose. His cheeks!! He's a person. And he's our person. I can't tell who he looks like because he's all squishy, but I can tell he has his daddy's cheeks. I've never been so in love. The ultrasound tech even says.....that he has HAIR!!!! I have been so stressed about him having hair. It's really stupid haha. 

My whole first trimester I wondered how I would ever bond with this baby. Or if I would ever be excited about him. I was so scared to love him because I was terrified that something would go wrong. I didn't want to be disappointed or sad so it seemed easier to not be excited. Things changed when I saw his heartbeat. But I think I felt the most attached and in love when I felt him start moving. I know what I feel is probably normal. But at the time I had so much guilt for not being as excited as I thought I should be. All because I was so scared. 

Looking back at the last 20 weeks or so, there's never been a sad or disappointing moment. Cooper could never do anything to disappoint me at this point. Even if things hadn't gone as well as they have been going. What a blessing being pregnant has been. What an honor that I get to be his mommy. Yeah, I can't wait to hold him in my arms, but I don't need him to be here for me to be completely smitten and in love. The next 8 weeks couldn't go by fast enough for me. But I keep my eye on the prize. I know he will be worth the wait. 

Cooper James. I love you. I'll see you soon baby boy. 

20 Week Update

Since I'm not a huge fan of my picture being taken right now, I definitely want to keep a record of how things are moving along every few weeks.  So I'll keep up (hopefully) by using the blog. 

Gender? Boy!!

Baby's heart-rate at last Dr appointment? 143

Cravings? None really. I need to always have something to drink though like lemonade or water. I should probably drink more water.....

New symptoms? I started getting really bad heartburn this week, only at night.  At first I didn't know what it was because I've never really had heartburn, but once I realized oh hey, this is heartburn, I have my little tums to save me :) 

Mood? Happy. I've gotten to a really good and knowing what I should/shouldn't waste my energy on, since I still get so tired so easily. So just being aware of that keeps me in a positive happy mood most of the time. 

Showing? Yes. I had a little excess before I got pregnant (booze) so I didn't think I'd really start showing until later, but the past 2-3 weeks I popped for sure. Even caved and bought some maternity shirts! I tried on all my clothes and got so annoyed because I was convinced they were shrinking...nope, this mama is just growing! 

(((P.S. Everything I read when I got pregnant said to not waste money on maternity clothes because you only wear them for a few weeks and they are expensive, but they are really the same price as anything else I would buy at Target, Gordmans, etc.  I also think, for me anyway, its important to still feel somewhat normal and confident while my body is doing a complete overhaul. I didn't feel confident when I would just buy shirts from the section I would normally shop while not pregnant, so even though I'll only wear them for a few months it already has been well worth the money I've spent.  Another idea: A girl I work with suggested going to look at thrift stores because so many women get rid of their gently used and sometimes really nice maternity clothes! I will for sure be checking those stores out soon.)))

How's Hubby? He's good, and very attentive. Gets jealous when I say I can feel baby moving all over the place, because he wants to feel him so bad! I haven't been able to have him feel my tummy and have Cooper move at the same time because the movements are so sporadic, but I'm sure it will happen soon :) 

Baby is as big as a....cantalope.

Why are we comparing babies to fruit, anyway?

 

Just Baby Love

Here we are at 19 weeks today! I'd like to say time is flying...but it's not! Ok lies. It kind of is. It's weird to think we are almost 1/2 way there. Almost there and only here at the same time. 

Moving got pushed to October 1st. Which is a bummer. But it alright. I have a lot of stuff already packed and stored away though because I thought we would be moved by now. Whoops. So I literally am wearing the same 2 pair of shoes for the next month...since all the other ones are packed. 

Most exciting thing that has happened recently is I have been able to feel baby Cooper (name reveal) move all the time! It is the most exciting and incredible feeling I've ever experienced. I love when he gets all active right at bed time like "hey hang out with me mom." Dude, I can hang all night with you. 

It's such a sweet subtle reminder too. I've been having a lot of struggle lately with some family issues (another blog another day), and heartbreak completely consumed me for a few days. But when I feel Cooper it's such a humbling and relieving feeling knowing he's there, and it's like he's reminding me to not be so sad. It's such a calming feeling knowing that no matter who is absent from my life now, that I have this little person who is so important and who is really depending on me. I can't control what my family chooses to do and how they act, but I can control where I put my energy. And Cooper reminds me that even though it's heartbreaking to have lost some of my family, that I have a family right here and he needs me. Arianna helps me with all this too. She still keeps me so grounded and I have sooooo much energy to focus on her as well. And she deserves it just as much as Cooper. 

I'm not saying that the "loss" of my family is replaceable because it's not, but I can't dwell and be devastated about these choices my family makes on their own when I have so much right in front of me to nurture. 

I'm so baby mode right now. I need to talk about my superstar Arianna!! She started 3rd grade last week. THIRD GRADE! What is happening?! It feels like just last week I was helping her take her first steps. She's so grown up. And she loves independence. Which is terrifying because she doesn't get that with independence comes responsibility and consequences for actions. But she learns. And I learn. And my mom learns. Sometimes it's the hard way....but we learn! She was so bored sitting at home all summer, so back to school was SUCH a big deal. 

We are in the process if tweaking her medication. Her meltdowns and tantrums are getting worse, and more severe because of her size. She is a little overweight for her age, but nothing that can't be gotten under control. So with her size, me being pregnant, and her tantrums it was just time to reevaluate. 

Here's a couple status updates that I should have blogged about. But screenshots will do :) 

And here's a super cute back to school pic. I am so in love with her. Sometimes I wonder how in the world ill be able to love cooper as much as I do her. But the feeling is just so much the same :) 

The only thing she asked for as far as back to school stuff goes was a hello kitty back pack and sketchers shoes. Easy enough for me!!! I'd give this honey anything she ever wanted even the moon. All she has to do is ask.