Weekend Vibes

Ahhh Sunday night.  The dreaded countdown to Monday is happening, plans for the week orchestrating, taking deep breaths to prepare for preschool for the week (haha)...

But aren't Sundays the best? They don't ever feel as crazy as Saturday, even though it's still the weekend, right? I'd be lying if I said nine times out of 10 we are in jammies all day long, have no routine, have way too much screen time & junk food, and maybe if we are feelin' froggy after, of course, a Sunday nap we might go to the park or play outside.
I'm not much for football but I happen to love Sundays in particular during football season because Alex almost always smokes something delicious and there's yummy beers and snacks involved with Sunday night football....
My sister Legena came over Friday night to hang out for a bit. Cooper just absolutely loves his "geegee" so when she comes over it's always always the best. It's been so wonderful having her live so close by the last year or so. She really is my best friend.

Alex made winnnnngggggssssss *drool*.  I love his wings. I could seriously eat about 20...thousand of them. Oh and Harmon's cheeseballs? Yeah lets just go ahead and hashtag #reasonswhyImfat
Took Legena home, and came back to watch the Jazz lose...#gojazz
Playoffs are intense.

SATURDAYYYY aka Cinco De Mayo
We did much adulting.  Ready for this? We made a giant loop to South Jordan, Sandy, and Murray making...RETURNS on items!!

JC Penny
Target
Buy Buy Baby
DXL

This is what adulthood is like. You have returns. From multiple stores. You'll stockpile them and memorize return policies. And you actually return the items because, that's money!! I never thought I'd see the day. This is horrifying.

Came home, napped (obvi) and then we did what any culture appreciating American did and drank Mexican beer and had Mexican food.  But now that I think about it, we had Navajo tacos...Indian tacos? Indian Mexican? Okay apparently we didn't celebrate.
But James & Shantelle and the boys came over for tacos, and for haircuts and to color their hair.
Those boys are hilarious.
Kam & Josh finally let me give them a gentlemen's haircut and it looked amazing on them.  Josh had me bleach just the top of his hair...which apparently is 'in', and subsequently made him look like a YouTuber I've never heard of so the other boys and Alex called him "Josh Paul" the rest of the night.
#iDontgetit

Kam had me color his top part aqua. Which again, apparently made him look like a YouTuber I'd never heard of...

Anyway, I didn't get a picture of Nicks hair because honestly it turned out awful because he just wanted me to streak it blue and it just didn't look right. This morning we ended up painting the whole top of his hair blue. These boys crack me up.
They stayed the night, and had me watch some YouTube videos of some people they follow.  The only thing I kept thinking when watching these YouTubers that are appealing to such a young demographic (my nephews are 9, 11, and 13) is that my friends and I did videos or "vlog" type videos on our digital cameras all the time when we were teenagers/early adults. WHY DIDN'T WE CASH IN ON YOUTUBE FAME?!?!?!? Seriously! Talk about being five years too early for a trend. UGH!
It just wasn't a thing back then. People used YouTube to watch music videos or movie/tv clips and stuff.  I get a little salty about it because, not to brag, but with my immature early adulthood charm I would've been a YouTube sensation...probably because I was so ridiculous and pretentious. Facepalm. Maybe it's good I never had the opportunity. I would hate to have my stupidity documented in the interwebs. I'll stick to shaking my head when my Facebook "on this day" memories pop up and relive my shitty moments in private.

After they made me watch shitty youtube videos, I made them watch The Greatest Showman.  I can't even express how much I love this movie. Cooper even loves it. He asks for 'the circus movie' every day, and wants to listen to the soundtrack any chance he gets. We are two peas in a pod. I'm so happy he shares the same love for it as I do. Theater was something I always loved in Jr High and High School, but sort of fell away from once I started gaining a little more 'freedom' from my home life and could go out and mess around with friends. So watching this film reminds me of those days when I had parts in the school plays, and took theater in school as often as I could.

SUNDAY!!

I got to sleep in this morning.. SCORE! Frankie is a good little sleeper. She will wake up once a night usually and then go back to sleep til about 9-10am. She's incredible! The boys stayed the night so Alex got up with Cooper and made the boys waffles...when I woke up at 9:30 he said he made waffles and I was like YOU DID?!! Never even knew haha. It was so nice sleeping in. SO SO NICE.

Got up, Starbucks, did Nicks hair again, boys went home, Alex went to get a tattoo. Coop & Frankie and I hung out did lunch, naps, cleaned, and then when Alex came home he brought Legena and Arianna. I did Legena's hair and it turned out gorgeous! Alex made burgers for us, Cooper and Arianna played, and it just overall was a chill and relaxing day.

Nothing hip hop happnin about the weekend, but ya know what? It was amazing. I love simple. I love low key. I love no stress. I love when things just flow, and that's just what it did this weekend.  It flowed.

We are going to Grand Junction to Vanessa's graduation next weekend, and then I go back to work on the 15th. I'm excited to get back to work just to have a sense of alternate purpose than from being a mom! haha. Its been a glorious eight weeks with my kiddos, but I'm excited to get back to the grind.

Anywho, not much for a blog. Pretty non eventful, but going back and reading this in a few years I'll be glad I wrote about it and I know it will bring a smile to my face. Which is why I blog. It makes me smile.

Speaking of blogging making me smile...
My next post will be about what Alex did for me for an early Mother's Day, and how thoughtful it was.

BYE!

These are the days

I haven’t blogged in almost two years. So much has changed so much has stayed the same. I won’t try and cram it all into this latest blog post, but just for my own personal desires I want to start being more consistent with it. I went back and read some of my posts from 2011-2012 and felt so happy that I documented so much.  So I need to make time and make it a priority because honestly I have so much more to document now days with a 3yo, and a soon to be new baby girl!!

Today was such a beautiful day. Weather wise and family wise. I’ve missed taking Cooper outside to play in the front yard, waking to the park, going to daybreak, all that. I never considered myself to have seasonal depression but I definitely get cabin fever and start feeling anxious that I hate the routine in winter because it feels like we just sit and wait for the days to pass instead of making the most of them.

Cooper went to preschool this morning. He has been going for a couple months now and I’ll tell ya, drop off has been a struggle. He cries, gets anxious before we even go inside, starts asking to go home before he even gets out of the car, won’t eat breakfast, you name it. It’s just so hard. But once I leave he’s good after about 5 minutes and forgets all about me til I pick him up.
Today Alex took him, and surprisingly enough when he saw his teacher at the entrance of the school he grabbed her hand and willingly went to class. WHAT?! Who are you and what did you do with my child?! Teacher was even so impressed. So we will see if he does the same this Wednesday when I take him. Fingers crossed!!

After we picked him up he came home and napped since daylight savings spring forward has kind of messed up his schedule, haha. And when he woke up we played outside in the yard with puzzles, chalk, and cars. It was so nice to just sit and relax with him.
Then I figured hey it’s nice enough, and I could use some waking to help induce labor (haha) let’s go to daybreak!! So I asked coop if he wanted to go feed the ducks and he said “yes! Let’s go!” So we loaded up his bike, dad grabbed some old tortillas to feed em, and we spent about an hour playing with the ducks and waking around the lake. It was so fun. It is amazing what a difference a year or a season or two can make for a kid. We were at daybreak almost every day last spring and summer and cooper always loved it and was so good but this time was a whole new adventure. It was the first time we’ve gone “this year” and he was just so into it. Talking to the ducks, loved feeding them, loved riding his bike, listened and didn’t run off, just amazing. I am so dang proud of the progress he’s made.

After that I was still wanting to walk...so we went to Ikea to get some stuff for Frankie’s room. Coop got his ice cream cone and Swedish fish he loves so much, and we did a lap around the store and went home.

The boys played legos (as they do all the time!) while I worked, and it was just wonderful to listen to them hang out and talk downstairs while I hammered out my stuff upstairs.

I just love days like today. Everything was so perfect from start to finish. Nothing but smiles and laughter. It’s not like this every day, but pretty dang close.

Feeling so blessed. I get sad and a little scared thinking our days as a family of three are numbered. It’s been us for just so long. A lifetime it feels. But I know once Frankie gets here it’s going to feel like she’s always been a part of it. I can’t wait.

Inconceivable ;)

Cooper got his 15 month shots today :( this was the worst reaction he has ever had to shots. It's 11:44 as I write this and he just went to bed 35 minutes ago. So just let that signify how rough of a night he had. 

He fell asleep in my arms. He's such a busy boy. I rock him to sleep most nights in his room (crib sleeping is a thing now, yay!) but tonight for him to just fall asleep facing forward in my arms.....it was just one of those moments. 

One of those moments you never want to end. 

One of those moments that stay engrained in your mind forever. 

One of those moments you wish you could repeat every night. 

Every moment is that way with my coops. But this moment was just different. Probably because he struggled so much and he rarely struggles to go to sleep. So when he finally did it was one of those moments. 

It also got me thinking about how I was told by my mom that Drs told her I would never be able to have babies. My appendix ruptured when I was eight years old. And when that happens you want to have surgery immediately. 

My mom, being the busy widowed mom she was, I imagine just was thinking I had the flu. It wasn't until a few days of throwing up and being ghost white that we went to the hospital. I remember my mothers friend carrying me into the hospital in both arms because I had no strength to move. 

They did tests and nothing came back that anything was wrong with me. Clearly there was so they did exploratory surgery and found my appendix had burst. 

Having burst, all the toxins and poisons from the rupture potentially affected my reproductive organs, damaging them permanently. 

I never knew about that last bit until I was 18 years old. My mom told me after Alex and I had gotten engaged. 

I was young so I wasn't thinking about babies, but I knew I wanted them. And we had talked about it just a few months prior. I was heart broken. 

I never got checked out but when I was about 22 my gynecologist said if I was regular then that means my stuff is worming fine and not to worry. 

It took six months to conceive coopman. Which I realize is not long, but each month that went by I felt more and more summoned to a life without babies. 

So, I go back to tonight....holding my 'inconceivable' baby(toddler) in my arms. Feeling so blessed. I am the luckiest momma. 

Growth

My time hop app, which is an app that brings up memories you posted on the same day years prior, comes up with some pretty interesting things sometimes. Lately it's the posts from 3-4 years ago that are just mind blowing to me.

I say mind blowing because it's just bizzaro to me what a different person I was back then. 

Part of this blog might be depressing. But I swear it's positive at the end.

Let me start by saying Cooper has changed my life. I know, every parent says that. And if you're not a parent yet, I know you hear it all the time..."kids change you." But let's be honest, if you don't have kids and people say that to you, you nod and as enthusiastically say, "mmmhmmmm oh I bet" when really you have no idea what they mean. I'm not saying you can't grasp the depth of love if you don't have kids. But the change. You don't understand the change it does to you until it happens. 

Before I became a mom my life revolved around very little. I had very low self esteem, but oddly enough I was extremely outgoing. I had this desperate need to be accepted. My self worth was defined by having people like me and I would go to almost any extreme to get people to like me. It was pathetic. 

I think of the people who I wanted acceptance from, but had no problem back biting them if it meant getting acceptance from someone else. I think about those people so much, and feel so much guilt. Hindsight, some of those people weren't the greatest of people to me either, but it it looking back I am ashamed that I ever acted that way.

That disclosed information aside. 
I can't help but think my biggest crime was pretending to be someone I wasn't. 

I wish I could tell those people I'm sorry. Honestly, I'm sure not many of them would care. They are at points in their lives where they are cleaning out the trash. And I hold no hard feelings to them. I admire their self respect to rid themselves of people who weren't genuine with them. Because that was me.

Fast forward now, I am still friends with more people from that time of my life than I am not. It's not like I was a walking shitty person to everyone I knew, but those people who didn't love and accept me right away got the most un-authentic me imaginable. Because I was so scared of not being accepted by them. It was almost like, "Let me be who YOU want me to be so you like me". It's almost heartbreaking as I write it. 

I guess I'm just grateful for growth. I'm grateful for second chances, and the ability to change into a better person. I'll never hate who I was, because "hate" keeps you stuck. I will have compassion and understanding, and make sure I always remember that girl, so I can remind myself of why I don't want to be like that again.

"It's hard to be true to yourself, especially when everyone is watching." One of my favorite quotes ever by Dave Chappelle. I'll spend the rest of my life fighting the battle of being true to myself, but I know it's a battle I'm determined to always win. 

The Fog

Facebooks "on this day" feature has been a fun thing for me to look at daily. I like seeing who I became friends with, what I was doing, who I was talking about, and remembering experiences I had.

There was one posted on this day 2010. It was a lyric (of course). I specifically remember posting it because I had never heard the song before, but it went along perfectly with things that had happened during that very same 24 hour period.
I'll always remember that day so vividly it's almost frightening. Without getting into the dramatic details I can just say that it was the day I realized I was letting someone else live my life for me. I was deliberately allowing myself to be controlled. I was being so naive and living in a total state of denial trying to justify the situation I had put myself in.

A 'come to Jesus', a revelation, a change of heart, an epiphany...there's a million ways to say it. The only way I can explain it is that it was the day the fog lifted. I could see. Devastated by the damage and of what was in front of me to face, but at the same time I felt so much clarity.

"I can't go back to yesterday. I was a different person then." -Alice (Alice in Wonderland).

It is so true. I was different. I had changed. I evolved overnight and somehow gained an enormous amount of strength I never knew I had. It took a lot of swallowing my pride, but I was ready. I was ready to be brand new.

I've made mistakes since then don't get me wrong. No one is perfect. But this is the day, 'On This Day', six years ago that I started to become a true form of myself. I was happy.  And I was ready to let myself be happy. The months leading up to this were the darkest and loneliest days I have ever had. My heart aches for the girl I was before. I had made incredible mistakes and was at the point where I was tricking myself into believing that was where I legitimately wanted to be. I feel so much compassion for that girl, but also a lot of anger. I was a selfish and manipulative know it all. I can admit it. I think what made me realize it all was actually having someone in my life who was just as selfish...just as manipulative... as I was.  I wasn't evil or anything, but I was definitely headed in a direction that would have destroyed my life and the people I love the most. Had it not been for that person unknowingly showing me how I had been treating others by allowing that person to treat me that same way, I probably never would have come up from the fog. I never would have seen what I looked like from the outside. Seen what the people that I loved  had been seeing in me.

The day the fog lifted was the day my life started to come together and it's been together ever since.

Oh I wanna be a billionaire so freakin baaad

So, the powerball lottery is up to 1.3 million dollars. The highest jackpot in history!! Of course utah doesn't allow the lottery so we asked some family who were making the trek to Wyoming if they would get us some numbers. So we played last Saturday night when the jackpot was only (....only) 960 million I think. Obviously, we didnt win. But it's okay! We have our numbers for this Wednesday, and I feel pretty lucky. 

Let me tell you why. 

First of all, the odds of winning the lottery are 1 in 292.2 million. You've heard all your life you have a better chance of getting struck by lightening, right? 

Well let me tell you what else you have a better chance of happening while you're thinking about that. 

The odds of getting Cholangialcarcinoma (cancer in the bile duct) is 1 in 100,000. 

I get that's nothing compared to the lottery stats, but still. 

This next comparison I don't have a statistic for, but I can tell you how many case studies have been done about it. 

Chromosome 8 deletion is rare. So rare there have only been about five case studies done on it historically speaking. FIVE cases. That's not saying that there aren't more cases out there, but that's how rare this genetic disorder is. There aren't enough people that they can do multiple and accurate case studies on it. 

Here's one more. 

One in six million people will be victims of a violent/armed home invasion. 

Check 

Check 

Check

The first one of course isn't me. My dad passed away from this very rare sort of cancer.

The second one. Also not me. It's Arianna. 

The third happened to Alex in our home we lived in back in 2011. 

Okay so, we haven't been "lucky" in my family. But we have been the "rare case" or the "exception" to a few different rarities. 

But the thing that makes me feel the MOST lucky?? Why I feel like it's my lucky week?!

Pulled into Starbucks today at 7:12am. No line. This never happens especially ESPECIALLY on a Monday!!! 

Then as I was making remarkable time on my way to work (again, never happens) I happened to turn the radio on about 1/2 a mile from a very bad accident that had backed up traffic! I was able to take a detour and get to work on time! 

I realize none of this means anything. And my odds are still pretty shitty. BUT OMG how cool if we won?! 

I will post later my "lottery daydream". It's pretty basic. But hey. I gotta post more. 

One year

My little baby is turning into a little boy in just 3 weeks. I cannot believe a year has gone by. I cannot believe I've been so lucky to wake up to his sweet face, and kiss his little face goodnight for almost 365 days. 

His gummy grin is now filled with eight pearly white teeth. 

His thin fluffy hair is now long and thick and lays down instead of fluffing. 

The tiny hand that so delicately grasped my finger the first time I held him is now big enough to grasp toys and cups. 

His little toes I would find myself nibbling on for no reason at all pitter patter around the kitchen in footsteps.

His little daily baby hiccups have been gone for months and instead I get to hear his ever so loud jibberish and playful yells. 

The baby I once was comforted by nursing him to sleep now gets himself to sleep on his own. 

That little bobble head baby who held his head up so early and rolled at 2 months now lifts all his heavier toys up over his head for fun. 

So many things changed and I'm so proud of each and every one of them. I miss having a little baby but I have soaked in every single moment being his mom. There's not a thing I would change and I pray I never forget those little details and moments of this past year. 

Of course as he grows and transitions into a toddler I will savor each moment as well. We are just getting started. I can't wait to see what the next year brings with my sweet little Cooper.