The Fog

Facebooks "on this day" feature has been a fun thing for me to look at daily. I like seeing who I became friends with, what I was doing, who I was talking about, and remembering experiences I had.

There was one posted on this day 2010. It was a lyric (of course). I specifically remember posting it because I had never heard the song before, but it went along perfectly with things that had happened during that very same 24 hour period.
I'll always remember that day so vividly it's almost frightening. Without getting into the dramatic details I can just say that it was the day I realized I was letting someone else live my life for me. I was deliberately allowing myself to be controlled. I was being so naive and living in a total state of denial trying to justify the situation I had put myself in.

A 'come to Jesus', a revelation, a change of heart, an epiphany...there's a million ways to say it. The only way I can explain it is that it was the day the fog lifted. I could see. Devastated by the damage and of what was in front of me to face, but at the same time I felt so much clarity.

"I can't go back to yesterday. I was a different person then." -Alice (Alice in Wonderland).

It is so true. I was different. I had changed. I evolved overnight and somehow gained an enormous amount of strength I never knew I had. It took a lot of swallowing my pride, but I was ready. I was ready to be brand new.

I've made mistakes since then don't get me wrong. No one is perfect. But this is the day, 'On This Day', six years ago that I started to become a true form of myself. I was happy.  And I was ready to let myself be happy. The months leading up to this were the darkest and loneliest days I have ever had. My heart aches for the girl I was before. I had made incredible mistakes and was at the point where I was tricking myself into believing that was where I legitimately wanted to be. I feel so much compassion for that girl, but also a lot of anger. I was a selfish and manipulative know it all. I can admit it. I think what made me realize it all was actually having someone in my life who was just as selfish...just as manipulative... as I was.  I wasn't evil or anything, but I was definitely headed in a direction that would have destroyed my life and the people I love the most. Had it not been for that person unknowingly showing me how I had been treating others by allowing that person to treat me that same way, I probably never would have come up from the fog. I never would have seen what I looked like from the outside. Seen what the people that I loved  had been seeing in me.

The day the fog lifted was the day my life started to come together and it's been together ever since.

Oh I wanna be a billionaire so freakin baaad

So, the powerball lottery is up to 1.3 million dollars. The highest jackpot in history!! Of course utah doesn't allow the lottery so we asked some family who were making the trek to Wyoming if they would get us some numbers. So we played last Saturday night when the jackpot was only (....only) 960 million I think. Obviously, we didnt win. But it's okay! We have our numbers for this Wednesday, and I feel pretty lucky. 

Let me tell you why. 

First of all, the odds of winning the lottery are 1 in 292.2 million. You've heard all your life you have a better chance of getting struck by lightening, right? 

Well let me tell you what else you have a better chance of happening while you're thinking about that. 

The odds of getting Cholangialcarcinoma (cancer in the bile duct) is 1 in 100,000. 

I get that's nothing compared to the lottery stats, but still. 

This next comparison I don't have a statistic for, but I can tell you how many case studies have been done about it. 

Chromosome 8 deletion is rare. So rare there have only been about five case studies done on it historically speaking. FIVE cases. That's not saying that there aren't more cases out there, but that's how rare this genetic disorder is. There aren't enough people that they can do multiple and accurate case studies on it. 

Here's one more. 

One in six million people will be victims of a violent/armed home invasion. 

Check 

Check 

Check

The first one of course isn't me. My dad passed away from this very rare sort of cancer.

The second one. Also not me. It's Arianna. 

The third happened to Alex in our home we lived in back in 2011. 

Okay so, we haven't been "lucky" in my family. But we have been the "rare case" or the "exception" to a few different rarities. 

But the thing that makes me feel the MOST lucky?? Why I feel like it's my lucky week?!

Pulled into Starbucks today at 7:12am. No line. This never happens especially ESPECIALLY on a Monday!!! 

Then as I was making remarkable time on my way to work (again, never happens) I happened to turn the radio on about 1/2 a mile from a very bad accident that had backed up traffic! I was able to take a detour and get to work on time! 

I realize none of this means anything. And my odds are still pretty shitty. BUT OMG how cool if we won?! 

I will post later my "lottery daydream". It's pretty basic. But hey. I gotta post more. 

One year

My little baby is turning into a little boy in just 3 weeks. I cannot believe a year has gone by. I cannot believe I've been so lucky to wake up to his sweet face, and kiss his little face goodnight for almost 365 days. 

His gummy grin is now filled with eight pearly white teeth. 

His thin fluffy hair is now long and thick and lays down instead of fluffing. 

The tiny hand that so delicately grasped my finger the first time I held him is now big enough to grasp toys and cups. 

His little toes I would find myself nibbling on for no reason at all pitter patter around the kitchen in footsteps.

His little daily baby hiccups have been gone for months and instead I get to hear his ever so loud jibberish and playful yells. 

The baby I once was comforted by nursing him to sleep now gets himself to sleep on his own. 

That little bobble head baby who held his head up so early and rolled at 2 months now lifts all his heavier toys up over his head for fun. 

So many things changed and I'm so proud of each and every one of them. I miss having a little baby but I have soaked in every single moment being his mom. There's not a thing I would change and I pray I never forget those little details and moments of this past year. 

Of course as he grows and transitions into a toddler I will savor each moment as well. We are just getting started. I can't wait to see what the next year brings with my sweet little Cooper. 

The move

Oh my gosh. I can't believe I haven't posted since July!

Our house was finished and we moved in at the end of August. It's been so great having a home again. We had the apartment at Talavera until mid September so we took our time tying off loose ends there. It took us a big uhaul and a couple truck/car loads, but we got all moved in one day. We spent the first night in our new home without cushions for the couch because they were in the back of the uhaul buried, and Alex ended up sleeping in the car. Lol. He got a little eager about spending the first night in our new home that he forgot to make sure our bed or couch cushions were accessible. 

The next morning we hired a couple of dudes to come help unload the uhaul. That was nice to have some help for Alex because he was so sore from the day before. 

Then the unpacking begins. It's funny how much more stressful and less productive moving is when you have a little baby under foot. Luckily he hadn't started crawling yet so I was able to plop him down with some toys for a while so I could unpack a few boxes here and there. 

The dust. Oh the dust. It's still, even now, a developing area. So there's construction and digging all around us. I swear the first week we were here there was just a constant layer of dirt on everything no matter how much sweeping and cleaning I did. 

The dogs have started skewing in their kennel at night that we have in our room. That has been such a relief for two reasons: 1) there's more room in our bed with Cooper still sleeping with us 2) no middle of the night pee/poop accidents. They have wrecked any place we have ever lived because they weren't trained to let us know if they had to pee at night so they would just hop off the bed and go on a pad that we had to lay down which was super annoying. So them sleeping in the kennel has made me hate them less lol. 

I'm loving our home. I love having a place for everything. I love having space for us to grow. I love having a fenced back area. I love having a front yard. 

B32 will always have a special place in my heart because that was the place we brought Cooper home with us. The first several months of his life, the maternity leave memories, and those first crazy nights being home with him all happened there in that little apartment. So that will be a fun part of his life to tell him about when he's older. 

Tarantulas are a real thing in Herriman, by the way. Alex didn't believe me until we saw one in the street the first week we were here. Ew. Not cool. 

Play Ball

Last night we took Cooper to his first ever Bees baseball game. Baseball is such a love of mine, but the ballpark is just as important of a place to me. I grew up around ball fields. The smell of the grass, the dusty dirt, the chain link fences. Overpriced concessions that always seem to taste so much better at the ballpark. I just love everything about the environment. 

In 2006 Alex took me to my first Bees game ever and proposed to me at the bottom of the 6th inning. We didn't go to a ton of games but always made it a point to catch a few during the season. 

Later on I spent two of my summers running up, down, under, and around the ballpark in SLC when I was a 'HoneyBee' for the Bees. I went to nearly every single game if not working I went as a fan to enjoy the game! I made so many friends and have so many happy memories there from that time. 

So this place specifically holds such a place in my heart because of how any happy memories I have there. 

My previous post talked about all "the firsts" I'll get to have with Cooper. So our first baseball game was one to remember. It was the 24th of July so it was so crowded and hot hot hot. We sat in the grass thinking it would be easier with a baby. Kinda wishing we would have got seats so we could have been in the shade, haha. We didn't spend a lot of time watching the game since we had to keep roaming around for some shade, but we lasted the entire game, sang the 7th inning stretch, and had a lot of good laughs and smiles! We didn't stay for fireworks, but that's alright. Many more to come. 

It was fun. Stressful at times. But probably the best memory I'll have in my book of baseball memories. 

I can't wait to go to many more games with my little slugger ;) 

The firsts.

Tonight I started to feel nostalgic. Missing "the firsts" of my relationship with Alex. I was thinking about the first date I had with Alex. The first kiss. The first cuddle. The first time we said 'I love you'. The first camp out. The first sleepover. The first apartment. 

Anyway...I started to get so sad thinking I would never have those firsts again because we are over 11 years into our relationship. 

But just as I started to think that...I realized something so amazing. So eye opening.

 

I remembered the first time we decided to try and have a baby. The first time we found out we were going to HAVE a baby. 

The first time we heard our baby's heartbeat. 

The first time we saw that he was a he.

The first time we saw his little toes and fingers on the ultrasound. 

The first time we went to the labor and delivery center because it was time.  

The first time we saw our baby boy after he made his entrance into the world. 

The first time he grabbed our fingers. 

The first time we brought him home.

The first sleepless night we had as new parents. 

The first time we packed away newborn clothes, because our baby was too big for them. 

The first time we saw him smile.

The first time we heard him laugh. 

The first time we saw him roll over. 

The first time we saw him hold a bottle.

The first time we left him with someone so we could go out. 

The first time he sat in his stroller. 

The first time he sat up by himself. 

The first time he ate sweet potatoes, and didn't really like them.

The first time he leaned in with his arms wide open to give his daddy a hug.

My God. There are so many first times that are going to happen. So many first times that will be just as beautiful as the last "first time".  

His first words. His first steps. His first day of school. His first sleepover. His first baseball game. His first scraped knee. His first loss. His first win. All the way up to first dance and first love.  

It's normal to remember the first times. To long for them. To ache for them. 

But to think of all the 'first times' I'm going to have with Alex and Cooper...just blows my mind. I'm the luckiest girl in the world to have them. I can't wait (oh, but I can) to see what other firsts are in store. 

The birth story.

Cooper James MacLean was born on his due date of Thursday, January 29th 2015 at 10:33PM. He was 8lbs 11oz, and 21.5 inches long.

I woke up early, and took Alex to work. I went home and started finishing some of the last of the baby laundry. Everything was normal. I hadn't had any braxton hicks, or major back pain all morning. When I went to the bathroom I felt like I had pee'd my pants, but I definitely didn't pee my pants. I text Alex and said "so I think my water just broke?" And he replied, "no way..."

I always expected it to be more, but I had lower fluid at some of my previous dr appts so I didn't really know. So I went and picked Alex up and we headed to Alta View Labor and Delivery.

We got there at around 10:50AM, and they sent me to a room to change and the nurse came in to check and see if I was dilated and if my water had really broken.  She checked and I was dilated 2cm (I was 1/2 a cm at my dr appt a week before), but she said my water did not break. She put some monitors on my stomach to monitor baby's heart, and contractions. She was going to monitor me for a few minutes, but then send us on our way since my water hadn't broke. I was a little disappointed, but oh well.

About 10 min after she checked me, I felt gushes of fluid coming out, soaking the bed. I panicked. I immediately hit the nurse button. I hate those things. I never know how to use it. Like it feels like I'm at a drive thru..."Can I help you?" "Uh. Can the nurse come back? Something just happened to the bed...?" I was scared because she had literally just told me that my water hadn't broken, so if my water hadn't broken what the hell just happened on the bed?! Nurse came in and I was crying. She was kind of annoyed and was like "why are you crying? does it hurt?" I said "no it doesnt hurt but you just told me my water didnt break so....this is kind of f*cking alarming to me." 

She helped me up, looked at the bed and said "oh yeah, your water just broke."  Alex says, "So does that mean we are having a baby today?" Nurse said "yep, having a baby today!"

So since I wasn't contracting, or dilating, but my water broke, they had to induce me. They started my Pitocin drip at about 1:00PM, and my Dr came in at around 2:00PM to see how things were going. My Dr doesn't work on Thursdays, so I was surprised to see him. But I guess that's why he is paid the big bucks, haha. He checked me and I was dilated 4cm, and predicted I would have our baby at around 10pm-11pm and he would check back in on me later that evening.

I had the sweetest nurse (a different one from the one who we saw when we got there), her name was Heather. She checked me and watched me until shift change at 7pm. Then Heidi came in and took over. I was dilating quick, like 2cm an hour or so. By 6:30 I was dilated to a 10, so I was ready to push. Heidi called my dr and he said he couldn't be back to the hospital til later, so to slow my Pitocin drip and let me 'relax and descend' for a couple hours. Heidi said that by me 'relaxing and descending' it would make for a very easy delivery, because it allowed baby to go down the birth canal more before we pushed, so when the time came for pushing it wouldn't take much pushing to get him out.....LOL YEAH RIGHT.

I started pushing at about 8pm. Pushed for 30 second at a time, about every 5 min. Then we pushed every 3 min as contractions got closer together. I would push, and it would seem like everything was progressing, but then the baby would go back to the position he was in before I started pushing. I was exhausted by 9pm only 1hr of pushing. My epidural meds wore off (I had gotten the epidural early like 2pm).  So while they called the anesthesiologist to redo the meds, I had about 20 min of contractions and labor without medication. It was horrible. I have so much respect for people who do it naturally. That was the longest 20 min of my life!! But it kicked in and all was well, and back to pushing.

My dr showed up at 10:10PM, checked me out and said I had done so much pushing I was starting to bruise. And the baby was still in that same position he was in 4 hours before....
Turns out the baby was sideways, so anytime I would push he couldn't truly descend since he was kinked in there all weird and sideways.  Dr went over options with me. Said we could use vacuum or forceps. If we use the vacuum, theres a chance that it will lose suction, and if it loses suction more than 3 times they have to do a c-section. They could use forceps, but if he couldn't get a good grip on his head, they would have to do a c-section. They couldn't do both vacuum and forceps, it was one or the other. He seemed most confident with forceps so we went that route.

The next 20 minutes felt like hours...and I'm really not being dramatic with how intense those minutes felt to me. 

My dr would have to try and flip him during my contractions while I pushed so it was up to me to give him that window of opportunity. It took about 5 min, but he successfully turned the baby, and now we could deliver him with a few more pushes. At this point, I was almost 2.5 hrs of pushing, and most of it was all for nothing so I had almost no energy....I felt so weak and hurt so much I had no idea how I was going to get a few more pushes out of this. But I needed to do it for baby.
After every contraction and push, everyone in the room would stop, and look at the heart monitor....baby's heart rate was dropping after every contraction. They would all stare at the monitor waiting for it to go back up, which it did each time. They could see the fear and concern in mine and Alexs faces and they would assure us that it was all ok. 

A couple minutes later right before my next contraction my dr stopped, looked me in the eyes and said "Anna, you have to get this baby out...he's not doing good, he doesn't like this. You have to push, or we're going into surgery."
The baby was in distress from all the pushing, and the forceps. It was all starting to really affect him. 
It's incredible how quick it went from ME being in labor, ME having to push, ME trying to deliver this baby...to this is about Cooper. This is about getting this baby, this human life, here safe.
I've never in my life been more motivated and determined to do something. I was terrified, but I looked to my right over at Alex (who never left my side), and through his tears and fear he just held my hand and told me, "you got this babe..."
Two more pushes, and there he was. On my chest, wide eyed and crying.
I'll never forget those next few minutes. Looking our baby in the eyes and telling him how proud I was of him. The first thing I remember saying to him was "I am so happy you're here...you did so good..." Watching Alex cut the cord, watching them do his measurements and cleaning him off I couldn't see him but I could see Alex. He was so proud. He kept looking over at me mouthing, "He's perfect...He's so beautiful." Alex was crying and couldn't stop smiling. Thelong awaited arrival of our baby had finally come. 

Time literally stood still for me for those few minutes, and in a way I wish they could have lasted forever. In life there are very few moments that are considered "life changing"...becoming a mother tops the list for me. 

Cooper made me a mommy. Made Alex a daddy. Made Alex and me parents. A title and role we will have forever. 

How incredible is that?