Growth

My time hop app, which is an app that brings up memories you posted on the same day years prior, comes up with some pretty interesting things sometimes. Lately it's the posts from 3-4 years ago that are just mind blowing to me.

I say mind blowing because it's just bizzaro to me what a different person I was back then. 

Part of this blog might be depressing. But I swear it's positive at the end.

Let me start by saying Cooper has changed my life. I know, every parent says that. And if you're not a parent yet, I know you hear it all the time..."kids change you." But let's be honest, if you don't have kids and people say that to you, you nod and as enthusiastically say, "mmmhmmmm oh I bet" when really you have no idea what they mean. I'm not saying you can't grasp the depth of love if you don't have kids. But the change. You don't understand the change it does to you until it happens. 

Before I became a mom my life revolved around very little. I had very low self esteem, but oddly enough I was extremely outgoing. I had this desperate need to be accepted. My self worth was defined by having people like me and I would go to almost any extreme to get people to like me. It was pathetic. 

I think of the people who I wanted acceptance from, but had no problem back biting them if it meant getting acceptance from someone else. I think about those people so much, and feel so much guilt. Hindsight, some of those people weren't the greatest of people to me either, but it it looking back I am ashamed that I ever acted that way.

That disclosed information aside. 
I can't help but think my biggest crime was pretending to be someone I wasn't. 

I wish I could tell those people I'm sorry. Honestly, I'm sure not many of them would care. They are at points in their lives where they are cleaning out the trash. And I hold no hard feelings to them. I admire their self respect to rid themselves of people who weren't genuine with them. Because that was me.

Fast forward now, I am still friends with more people from that time of my life than I am not. It's not like I was a walking shitty person to everyone I knew, but those people who didn't love and accept me right away got the most un-authentic me imaginable. Because I was so scared of not being accepted by them. It was almost like, "Let me be who YOU want me to be so you like me". It's almost heartbreaking as I write it. 

I guess I'm just grateful for growth. I'm grateful for second chances, and the ability to change into a better person. I'll never hate who I was, because "hate" keeps you stuck. I will have compassion and understanding, and make sure I always remember that girl, so I can remind myself of why I don't want to be like that again.

"It's hard to be true to yourself, especially when everyone is watching." One of my favorite quotes ever by Dave Chappelle. I'll spend the rest of my life fighting the battle of being true to myself, but I know it's a battle I'm determined to always win. 

The Fog

Facebooks "on this day" feature has been a fun thing for me to look at daily. I like seeing who I became friends with, what I was doing, who I was talking about, and remembering experiences I had.

There was one posted on this day 2010. It was a lyric (of course). I specifically remember posting it because I had never heard the song before, but it went along perfectly with things that had happened during that very same 24 hour period.
I'll always remember that day so vividly it's almost frightening. Without getting into the dramatic details I can just say that it was the day I realized I was letting someone else live my life for me. I was deliberately allowing myself to be controlled. I was being so naive and living in a total state of denial trying to justify the situation I had put myself in.

A 'come to Jesus', a revelation, a change of heart, an epiphany...there's a million ways to say it. The only way I can explain it is that it was the day the fog lifted. I could see. Devastated by the damage and of what was in front of me to face, but at the same time I felt so much clarity.

"I can't go back to yesterday. I was a different person then." -Alice (Alice in Wonderland).

It is so true. I was different. I had changed. I evolved overnight and somehow gained an enormous amount of strength I never knew I had. It took a lot of swallowing my pride, but I was ready. I was ready to be brand new.

I've made mistakes since then don't get me wrong. No one is perfect. But this is the day, 'On This Day', six years ago that I started to become a true form of myself. I was happy.  And I was ready to let myself be happy. The months leading up to this were the darkest and loneliest days I have ever had. My heart aches for the girl I was before. I had made incredible mistakes and was at the point where I was tricking myself into believing that was where I legitimately wanted to be. I feel so much compassion for that girl, but also a lot of anger. I was a selfish and manipulative know it all. I can admit it. I think what made me realize it all was actually having someone in my life who was just as selfish...just as manipulative... as I was.  I wasn't evil or anything, but I was definitely headed in a direction that would have destroyed my life and the people I love the most. Had it not been for that person unknowingly showing me how I had been treating others by allowing that person to treat me that same way, I probably never would have come up from the fog. I never would have seen what I looked like from the outside. Seen what the people that I loved  had been seeing in me.

The day the fog lifted was the day my life started to come together and it's been together ever since.

Oh I wanna be a billionaire so freakin baaad

So, the powerball lottery is up to 1.3 million dollars. The highest jackpot in history!! Of course utah doesn't allow the lottery so we asked some family who were making the trek to Wyoming if they would get us some numbers. So we played last Saturday night when the jackpot was only (....only) 960 million I think. Obviously, we didnt win. But it's okay! We have our numbers for this Wednesday, and I feel pretty lucky. 

Let me tell you why. 

First of all, the odds of winning the lottery are 1 in 292.2 million. You've heard all your life you have a better chance of getting struck by lightening, right? 

Well let me tell you what else you have a better chance of happening while you're thinking about that. 

The odds of getting Cholangialcarcinoma (cancer in the bile duct) is 1 in 100,000. 

I get that's nothing compared to the lottery stats, but still. 

This next comparison I don't have a statistic for, but I can tell you how many case studies have been done about it. 

Chromosome 8 deletion is rare. So rare there have only been about five case studies done on it historically speaking. FIVE cases. That's not saying that there aren't more cases out there, but that's how rare this genetic disorder is. There aren't enough people that they can do multiple and accurate case studies on it. 

Here's one more. 

One in six million people will be victims of a violent/armed home invasion. 

Check 

Check 

Check

The first one of course isn't me. My dad passed away from this very rare sort of cancer.

The second one. Also not me. It's Arianna. 

The third happened to Alex in our home we lived in back in 2011. 

Okay so, we haven't been "lucky" in my family. But we have been the "rare case" or the "exception" to a few different rarities. 

But the thing that makes me feel the MOST lucky?? Why I feel like it's my lucky week?!

Pulled into Starbucks today at 7:12am. No line. This never happens especially ESPECIALLY on a Monday!!! 

Then as I was making remarkable time on my way to work (again, never happens) I happened to turn the radio on about 1/2 a mile from a very bad accident that had backed up traffic! I was able to take a detour and get to work on time! 

I realize none of this means anything. And my odds are still pretty shitty. BUT OMG how cool if we won?! 

I will post later my "lottery daydream". It's pretty basic. But hey. I gotta post more. 

One year

My little baby is turning into a little boy in just 3 weeks. I cannot believe a year has gone by. I cannot believe I've been so lucky to wake up to his sweet face, and kiss his little face goodnight for almost 365 days. 

His gummy grin is now filled with eight pearly white teeth. 

His thin fluffy hair is now long and thick and lays down instead of fluffing. 

The tiny hand that so delicately grasped my finger the first time I held him is now big enough to grasp toys and cups. 

His little toes I would find myself nibbling on for no reason at all pitter patter around the kitchen in footsteps.

His little daily baby hiccups have been gone for months and instead I get to hear his ever so loud jibberish and playful yells. 

The baby I once was comforted by nursing him to sleep now gets himself to sleep on his own. 

That little bobble head baby who held his head up so early and rolled at 2 months now lifts all his heavier toys up over his head for fun. 

So many things changed and I'm so proud of each and every one of them. I miss having a little baby but I have soaked in every single moment being his mom. There's not a thing I would change and I pray I never forget those little details and moments of this past year. 

Of course as he grows and transitions into a toddler I will savor each moment as well. We are just getting started. I can't wait to see what the next year brings with my sweet little Cooper. 

The move

Oh my gosh. I can't believe I haven't posted since July!

Our house was finished and we moved in at the end of August. It's been so great having a home again. We had the apartment at Talavera until mid September so we took our time tying off loose ends there. It took us a big uhaul and a couple truck/car loads, but we got all moved in one day. We spent the first night in our new home without cushions for the couch because they were in the back of the uhaul buried, and Alex ended up sleeping in the car. Lol. He got a little eager about spending the first night in our new home that he forgot to make sure our bed or couch cushions were accessible. 

The next morning we hired a couple of dudes to come help unload the uhaul. That was nice to have some help for Alex because he was so sore from the day before. 

Then the unpacking begins. It's funny how much more stressful and less productive moving is when you have a little baby under foot. Luckily he hadn't started crawling yet so I was able to plop him down with some toys for a while so I could unpack a few boxes here and there. 

The dust. Oh the dust. It's still, even now, a developing area. So there's construction and digging all around us. I swear the first week we were here there was just a constant layer of dirt on everything no matter how much sweeping and cleaning I did. 

The dogs have started skewing in their kennel at night that we have in our room. That has been such a relief for two reasons: 1) there's more room in our bed with Cooper still sleeping with us 2) no middle of the night pee/poop accidents. They have wrecked any place we have ever lived because they weren't trained to let us know if they had to pee at night so they would just hop off the bed and go on a pad that we had to lay down which was super annoying. So them sleeping in the kennel has made me hate them less lol. 

I'm loving our home. I love having a place for everything. I love having space for us to grow. I love having a fenced back area. I love having a front yard. 

B32 will always have a special place in my heart because that was the place we brought Cooper home with us. The first several months of his life, the maternity leave memories, and those first crazy nights being home with him all happened there in that little apartment. So that will be a fun part of his life to tell him about when he's older. 

Tarantulas are a real thing in Herriman, by the way. Alex didn't believe me until we saw one in the street the first week we were here. Ew. Not cool. 

Play Ball

Last night we took Cooper to his first ever Bees baseball game. Baseball is such a love of mine, but the ballpark is just as important of a place to me. I grew up around ball fields. The smell of the grass, the dusty dirt, the chain link fences. Overpriced concessions that always seem to taste so much better at the ballpark. I just love everything about the environment. 

In 2006 Alex took me to my first Bees game ever and proposed to me at the bottom of the 6th inning. We didn't go to a ton of games but always made it a point to catch a few during the season. 

Later on I spent two of my summers running up, down, under, and around the ballpark in SLC when I was a 'HoneyBee' for the Bees. I went to nearly every single game if not working I went as a fan to enjoy the game! I made so many friends and have so many happy memories there from that time. 

So this place specifically holds such a place in my heart because of how any happy memories I have there. 

My previous post talked about all "the firsts" I'll get to have with Cooper. So our first baseball game was one to remember. It was the 24th of July so it was so crowded and hot hot hot. We sat in the grass thinking it would be easier with a baby. Kinda wishing we would have got seats so we could have been in the shade, haha. We didn't spend a lot of time watching the game since we had to keep roaming around for some shade, but we lasted the entire game, sang the 7th inning stretch, and had a lot of good laughs and smiles! We didn't stay for fireworks, but that's alright. Many more to come. 

It was fun. Stressful at times. But probably the best memory I'll have in my book of baseball memories. 

I can't wait to go to many more games with my little slugger ;) 

The firsts.

Tonight I started to feel nostalgic. Missing "the firsts" of my relationship with Alex. I was thinking about the first date I had with Alex. The first kiss. The first cuddle. The first time we said 'I love you'. The first camp out. The first sleepover. The first apartment. 

Anyway...I started to get so sad thinking I would never have those firsts again because we are over 11 years into our relationship. 

But just as I started to think that...I realized something so amazing. So eye opening.

 

I remembered the first time we decided to try and have a baby. The first time we found out we were going to HAVE a baby. 

The first time we heard our baby's heartbeat. 

The first time we saw that he was a he.

The first time we saw his little toes and fingers on the ultrasound. 

The first time we went to the labor and delivery center because it was time.  

The first time we saw our baby boy after he made his entrance into the world. 

The first time he grabbed our fingers. 

The first time we brought him home.

The first sleepless night we had as new parents. 

The first time we packed away newborn clothes, because our baby was too big for them. 

The first time we saw him smile.

The first time we heard him laugh. 

The first time we saw him roll over. 

The first time we saw him hold a bottle.

The first time we left him with someone so we could go out. 

The first time he sat in his stroller. 

The first time he sat up by himself. 

The first time he ate sweet potatoes, and didn't really like them.

The first time he leaned in with his arms wide open to give his daddy a hug.

My God. There are so many first times that are going to happen. So many first times that will be just as beautiful as the last "first time".  

His first words. His first steps. His first day of school. His first sleepover. His first baseball game. His first scraped knee. His first loss. His first win. All the way up to first dance and first love.  

It's normal to remember the first times. To long for them. To ache for them. 

But to think of all the 'first times' I'm going to have with Alex and Cooper...just blows my mind. I'm the luckiest girl in the world to have them. I can't wait (oh, but I can) to see what other firsts are in store.